So you’ve read the title, let’s get some bullet point info out of the way:
- I’m pan and mostly cis, my partner knows this.
- My partner is a bi cis woman.
- We’re monogamous but have talked a little here and there about whether we’d want to open it up one day.
- She knows I’m switchy and like butt stuff.
- She does not know I crossdress and am into chastity + light exhibitionism.
- I don’t flirt with people on here, I just post pics of myself.
- I have an anxiety disorder and one of the ways it manifests is an aversion to intimate conversations (she knows this).
- This is not the first account I’ve had/first time I’ve posted pics online/etc.
I know this may not be the best place for moral discussions but it feels like my best bet. I’ve been worried about this in the past, but we’re taking steps to broaden our sexual horizons together and I think there’s a chance we may eventually get to this topic. So if we got to the point of “I want to post pictures from a session online” and I mentioned having this account and she saw it existed for a year or so, well… I can see that being a difficult thing to react to.
At the same time, though, this has really helped me gain confidence and feel like I can actually open this side of myself up to her, which I want to do! I’m just scared of rejection and our relationship is more important than any kinky stuff.
I think an important note is that I don’t consider anything I’ve done “cheating” or anywhere in that territory. I’m not out here sexting or sending private pics, I leave compliments for others and thank people for their compliments on me. But I could also completely understand someone being unhappy their partner was doing it without their knowledge.
I know one of the answers to this is, of course, “talk to her” but this is way too much to throw out all at once. Deleting it all and not telling her would be an option, but I do think it would continue to weigh on my conscience.
So my questions would be:
- Have I screwed myself (no pun intended) and the relationship by not telling her?
- If your partner did something similar (with my same hard boundaries about flirting), how would you feel?
- Any tips on how to bring this up?
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i dont know if its immoral. im a woman and i would more feel weird that my SO wanted to hide anything from me. i dont care if he watches porn or jerks it or flaunts it. hell i dont think id even care if he fucks another woman, so long as it doesnt effect our relationship and is transparent about it. maybe im unusual in that way because im very left wing, i dont know.
Appreciate the perspective, yeah! It’s not so much a “want” to hide it as it is a fear. And as progressive as we are, we both struggle with heteronormative bullshit sometimes y’know.
As an old married guy, I think hiding pretty much anything other than a birthday present is a bad idea. When you find out someone you’re in a relationship with was hiding something from you, you’re likely to feel betrayed even if you didn’t care about the things itself. You start wondering what else the person is keeping from you. Trust is hard to regain.
Add to that, if you marry someone you can’t be 100% yourself with, you’re setting yourself up for an unsatisfying relationship. If, down the road after marriage, you admit to something about yourself that you kept to yourself, it’s pretty unfair to the other person, and if you never admit it, it’s unfair to yourself.
I appreciate your perspective! I’ve got some things to think about.
I wish I could say that there was a one size fits all answer to your questions, but the reality is that it really all comes down to your existing relationship and the boundaries that you’ve both discussed together. What’s considered cheating is a nebulous concept - some couples might consider simply watching porn cheating whiles others are fine with having multiple partners.
I’m just scared of rejection and our relationship is more important than any kinky stuff.
You need to ask yourself if you would be comfortable being in a relationship where you always need to be hiding a part of yourself. I’ve tried it and honestly repressing these things have a way of manifesting problems regardless. Kink in general is about learning to accept and express the parts of ourselves that we usually keep locked away. I was terrified at first to tell my partner I even wanted to shave, but all she did was covertly ask if I’d prefer feminine pronouns. Now we almost always have matching manicures lol.
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You haven’t screwed yourself, but you should approach the conversation with the care and tact it deserves. Anxiety or not, these are difficult conversations that need to be had. Maybe it’s not as bad as it once was, but we live in a world where a lot of behavior outside the hetero masculine norm are heavily stigmatized and posting pictures has been an outlet to express yourself where you otherwise can’t.
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If I were told I’d be skeptical, but I wouldn’t personally be mad if my partner(cis female partner, me a bi queer man) came to me and said she was taking and safely posting boudoir photos for an exhibitionist thrill. I would understand, but I would be a little hurt and disappointed that she chose to not to include me in that part of her life though regardless of my feelings on the content.
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Truthfully if this is something that would be a huge paradigm shift for your relationship I would say to ease yourself into it. Start by introducing chastity or (safe)exhibitionism into your current bedroom play. Maybe set up a couples Fet account and see what you both learn about one another in the process. I wish I could offer advice about breaking the news about crossdressing, but that’s a hurdle I haven’t come over completely myself.
Good luck.
Definitely appreciate the nuanced and very comparable input! I think your third point is really about where I’m going for the moment, at least. I told her about my interest in chastity and she was immediately into it, so that’s a good start!
Not the first time I’ve seen some good words from you on here, too. Thank you for existing!
Glad to hear you’ve had a positive experience so far! I always expect to see the blanket “talk to your partner” advice in these types of threads, which is sound advice, but in practice life isn’t quite as straight-forward and simple. You sound like you have an open and strong relationship already though so I sincerely wish you the best.
Seems like we’re in similar situations and points in our lives so if you ever just want to chat or bounce ideas off a stranger you’re welcome to send me a message.
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First of all, don’t delete everything. I’d just create a new account. Deleting stuff on Lemmy just doesn’t work that well. All your contributions and all the contributions from people who replied to you just vanish. And people might still want to read it if you did more than just shitposting…
I have about 3 accounts. And I separate NSFW stuff, stuff I’d be ashamed of, being helpful and answering Linux questions and mundane political discussions and memes. At least a bit.
Concerning the relationship: If you want my opinion, a healthy and grownup way to treat each other is to communicate well, talk about wants and needs, opinions… But also to have your own space and privacy. So it’s neither - nor… I don’t like to tell my spouse how exactly I masturbate when that’s “me time” or which porn genre I consume how often. But I put in some effort to talk about how I feel, what I’d like to try together etc. Neither of us wants to give up our individuality and independence. However we treat each other with respect and know 100% that we can rely on each other. But each of us also gets to have some small “own” things. And I think that’s how it should be. But of course it completely depends on the personality of the two (or more) people. And you need to agree on that. It doesn’t work if one of the involved people is a bit controlling. But I mean you can also forget about the non-monogamy if someone is controlling or jealous.
This is a LOT of thought and I greatly appreciate you taking the time to write it out and come back to edit it twice! I think your line “I wouldn’t feel valued as a partner if that were hidden from me” is the harsh reality at the heart of it. I’d hope my partner would understand the nuance, but I think that would be the central feeling and takeaway. Which is not great!
Writing it down is definitely something I’ve been working on in a way, yeah! I appreciate the tip. I did move things forward a little by bringing up chastity and getting a positive response. It’s a start!
You’re welcome. And if I might add something: Sounds like you’re a nice person and on the right path. All of that isn’t easy and lots of us (humans) struggle with certain things in relationships or with being ourselves. Lots of people just live with mismatched libidos and/or fantasies that they can’t share. Or lots of other woes. I think you deserve some respect for putting in the effort and wanting to address that. And who knows where this will lead? Maybe your aversion to intimate conversations can be overcome. Sometimes our weaknesses also provide us with something else. I mean this way the solution certainly won’t be gifted to you. You’d have to work (hard) for it. And usually earning things this way pays off in more than one way… I’d be optimistic about the future and the more complicated topics.
Regarding “feel[ing] valued as a partner” and “the nuance”: Also here it’s a good thing that you try to understand the perspective of your partner and wanting to respect them and doing it the correct way for them. That’s a solid foundation. I’d say: Try to not assume what they want. I myself had a good amount of misunderstandings in the past of my relationship. Things we did that we assumed the other one wanted (or didn’t), but later on it turned out neither of us liked it that way. In the end -I think- you have to arrive at some point where you’re comfortable discussing these things openly, minimize misunderstandings and accepting each other… But all of this is really easier said than done.
And looking at other couples usually gives a skewed perspective. Most people make their relationship look fine and dandy. But if you were to look past that, lots of people also struggle or have to put in effort into their relationships. I learned about that by listening to some podcasts about relationships and sex. And I found lots of similarities and issues I had and still have. (I’d recommend those podcasts, but they’re in German.) And I also have some skeletons in the closet. So despite me maybe technically knowing what’s right… Sometime it’s just not easy or I missed the opportunity to bring something up. Or life gets in the way and there are other things to worry about. But I (too) strive to become better.
So… I’d say keep up the good work. General advice applies: Good/healthy communication is key to everything. Don’t let things being hard stop you. Brace for setbacks, they’ll happen. For major setbacks you’d need a solid foundation rooted in mutual respect and acceptance plus healthy communication and maybe some prepared strategies. I’d say this is a requirement for something I’d consider as healthy non-monogamy. But it’s hard to achieve and it also takes a good amount of time to get there.
For the things you already did, there’s no way to turn back time. It happened and the only question is how to handle it. I don’t know your partner so I can’t give advice. Hide it or be honest, tell only parts of the whole story… All of that are strategies people choose. Maybe you really screwed up, that happens. Your partner gets to decide how bad it feels to them. I think the job of the people who make the mistakes is to learn and not repeat the same mistake too often. And it’s difficult to find the correct time to approach a conversation about it. Could be too early but the real threat is probably trying to reconcile when it’s too late. So maybe have a plan/schedule so you don’t postpone it indefinitely if you want to address it.
All of this is just my opinion. And what people like and are comfortable with varies a lot. So everyone has to get to know their partner(s) and make up rules between each other individually. Love, respect, acceptance and healthy communication are the underlying things. On top of that you probably can’t apply other people’s strategies and opinions to your own relationship, you have to find your own way (between the both of you) as you have to find your own path in life.
(And a last sidenote: Before proceeding to implement the non-monogamy… Make sure you can absolutely rely on the communication between the both of you. And read up a bit on what mistakes other people made so you don’t have to repeat all of them. If we’re talking about more than acting out a cuckold fantasy, it requires a good amount of trust and constant communication and detailed knowledge about the emotional world of each other.)
Yet again: I greatly appreciate you dedicating this much thought and time to this thread by a random person! The optimism of your message warms my heart.
The plan/schedule tip is good, I think you’re right about that. I’ll be working on that and how to word things over the next few days.
Keep us posted
Latest update I’ve got is that chastity stuff went well, so that’s a good start!
First, be gentle with yourself. I think if you are marrying someone, you want them to know about all the aspects of your sexuality even if they feel neutral about some of them.
I think you will just have to straight up tell her one of your pleasures is posting pics online, first ask if she likes to do that herself, ask if she wants to see yours when you do. If you personally don’t think you’ve done anything that crosses a line please don’t borrow trouble. As long as you are ok if she enjoys the same, I think you are good. Sooner is better for this.
“be gentle with yourself” is easier said than done 😅 but really, I appreciate the response! I’m taking it a bit slower and building up to telling her. It would be a lot easier if I was just posting regular nudes, but I really don’t want to throw “hey, I’m an exhibitionist/crossdresser/etc and I’ve been posting pics of myself online” all at her at once.
Yeah I get that. It would be a tough sell for me, so I understand the risk and the fear. But you are who you are and you need what you need. And I wouldn’t consider it cheating or anything like that, myself. But I’d be mad if my guy married me without telling me he liked to cross dress, hiding it is considerably worse than the doing it, to me.
One of the things I used to think was silly about kinky people was the radical commitment to open communication. All the talking. It’s not silly, I was wrong. You need all that. Is telling her slowly really better? And you aren’t a different person, you are the same person after you tell her. Presumably this is the person you want to be closest to. You can’t go back in time and tell her, which would be ideal, but the sooner the better. There are several general possibilities, right? Maybe she is turned on by it and happy you do it, maybe she doesn’t care but if you need it and your relationship is good, she’s happy for you to do it, maybe she is actively turned off by it but gives you space for that side of your sexuality because she knows she loves the way y’all are together, maybe she cannot handle it and is pissed you didn’t tell her but I cannot imagine any possible outcome being improved by waiting longer.
There are some good books written about having difficult conversations, maybe reading one of those would help?
Best of luck to you, and also congratulations on your engagement!
Hey appreciate the honesty from a vital perspective! I do get what you’re saying on committing to open communication. I’m thoroughly for the idea, it’s just that putting it into practice is tough.
Telling her slowly may not be better but it’s about all I can handle at the moment, sadly. I fully understand I have to deal with whatever consequences come from that.
Thank you again for the kind words, recommendation, and for taking the time to reply!!
