I think that it’s about intolerance, some people are using a term in the intended non-slur manner, and others are intolerant about that rational desire. Even tolerant people shouldn’t torerate intolerance, so no, being pissed about people telling them to stop using the term in the intended non-slur way is not toxic.

If that really hurts you, it’s a you thing. It’s not intentional, the meaning isn’t derived from the slur, it’s not a micro aggression. You won’t like the answer, but toughen up.