I swear the shithole area where I live is doing my head in. Yesterday I’m pretty sure two guys were looking for packages to steal and/or casing myself and my neighbours.

They made a beeline with one guy walking and the other crawling behind him in a distinctive coloured car I’ve never seen before, the walking guy coming onto the porch and moving every single one of my bins to check behind, going around to my neighbours to presumably do the same, even looking in a nearby hedge. On the way out the driver then got out of the car and openly leaned down to look closely through a neighbour’s side window. Then leaving in the car with the first guy walking behind.

I didn’t bother calling the cops because they almost never come and even if they did the sus dudes would be long gone by the time they showed. They usually are. Also I’ve got the security cam footage of that saved on my phone but it’s a pain in the arse or impossible to send anything more than a minute long so I’d probably have to go pull it off the recorder box. But I might report it tomorrow in case they come back or have hit someone else. If the cops even care.

And before you incredulously ask how come I’m so blase about this and didn’t immediately call the cops - please just don’t. Don’t blame or judge. It’s pure exhaustion. It happens all the fucking time.

Over the years I’ve had different and even the same people repetitively trying to break in while I was home, and once physically chased a woman out of my flat when I stupidly forgot to lock the door. She was later arrested having snuck in and stolen the house keys of the old man a few doors down. I’m not even getting into everything that’s happened here. The cops generally don’t care.

So like. Yeah. Fuck this place. I’m just hoping I don’t get broken into or assaulted before I can leave.

All I can remember is walking through an unfamiliar landscape with my mum, but she wasn’t my mum. She was something else that looked like her and wanted me to be at ease.

She told me that major change was coming. That life after wasn’t going to be recognisable to now, but that I shouldn’t fight it. That it was for the best and that I’d be okay. Everyone would be okay.

I know it’s just my anxieties about the current state of the world taking form and that dreams don’t really have meaning. But it felt profound in the moment. I do think I feel better having had that dream.

I dreamt that I was resting against someone I barely know (I met her at some environmental workshop many many years ago and never stayed in touch beyond seeing her fb posts, but she is gentle and soft spoken, so acted like some kind of vaguely familiar avatar)

We were seated on a shaded amphitheatre near a sunlit park, watching the breeze rustle the trees and far off-people ambling along the paths, kids playing on the grass, still water reflecting a blue sky, the hint of a guitar strummed in the distance… some tan-coloured bulldogs were also prowling outside the amphitheatre, but ornate wrought iron black gates around the periphery prevented them from coming in. They were quiet and observant.

After a while, the person asked me softly whether I’ve rested well and why, and I started going on about how I’m so tired, but it’s been hard to sleep on holiday because of the feeling that something always needs to be organised, and I’ve never felt like I had enough time to just allow myself to completely relax into the space. In saying that, I felt a pang of sadness knowing that it was sunny, so I had to be on a holiday.

“At this rate you’ll never have time,” the avatar said, “there’s always something that needs doing next, for as long as you’re alive.”

“But this time was a lot easier,” I replied, “maybe because you were there and I felt like you were in such a state of peace and calm yourself, that I had the permission to rest as well. Or maybe it’s this place, because it’s not real,” and I looked at the dogs warily as one sat itself a short distance from us behind the gate and started a quiet, low growl.

“Although it would be nice if those dogs weren’t here,” I added. “Are they yours? Normally I’d be on edge with these dogs around, but it was so comfortable and serene earlier that I felt transported to my childhood years. I would’ve loved it to continue.”

The avatar said nothing but smiled sweetly. It was too good to be true, I knew it. The growling started getting louder and was breaking my immersion; I had to show her that I wouldn’t be safe once I left her little sacred area, so I turned around and leaned over a step to reach my water bottle…

… and almost immediately, I felt the angry breath of a bulldog on my neck as its teeth sank into my jugular, its snarling abruptly loud, right next to my ear. My entire being went limp in surrender except to notice from the corner of my eye that the avatar was still smiling blissfully onto the Elysium beyond, as if I were invisible.

I could feel myself fading fast even as adrenaline coursed through my veins, so I summoned what energy I could to let out a weak yelp…