I’m almost 35 and realised is not going to happen. I will never become adult or reliable enough for any woman to take a glance at me. I’ll never fall in love or experience sex.
There must be a way to stop this feeling. People say hobbies but honestly I don’t like anything or i give up on everything. I don’t wanna try new things anymore.
Edit: some of you are really nice. But to those of you who keep insulting just because my post is a downer they I’ll just block you. Why don’t just ignore my post instead of leaving nasty comments?
Are you asexual? If not, you’re going to have sexual attraction. Turning that off isn’t going to happen. Now, you can have sex without being in a relationship. But, normally people do strive to have a romantic relationship and I doubt you can switch that off without some serious drugs.
I think many men that experience these feelings turn to anger. They blame society, women, other men, etc. They turn to toxic mentors who tell them how to be “alpha” and seek advice from “pick up artists”. Do not do any of that.
Your attitude sounds like depression. You have given up. You say you aren’t reliable or an “adult”. Do you want to be those things? Or do you want to be miserable that you’re not those things? Those seem to be your options.
Being miserable is easy. Just do nothing. Be lazy. Have regret.
Being the person you want to be is hard. It is for most people. Most of us are in some stage of trying to be better people.
“Either experience the pain of progress or the pain of regret”.
Being miserable can be comfortable if that’s what you’re use to doing. It’s your safe space. Other things are foreign, strange, and scary.
You’ll have to work really hard to break that cycle. Your mind will be screaming at you to stop trying to better yourself. “There’s no point!”… " “Just give up and go back to bed!”…
You’ll have to work to reject those thoughts and demonstrate to yourself that you can. And eventually, you’ll notice it won’t be as hard or scary.
So, make a plan and start with small things.
Or continue to give up and feel miserable.
I don’t wanna be those things. But i know women only like successful adults, which means I’m fucked.
That’s like 25%. Find yourself a sugar momma
That actually sounds realistic enough
This guy has the wrong answer.
For your own mental health, try to avoid assuming all women feel the same, it dehumanizes them which prevents you from having empathy and thus creating meaningful connections because you are assuming a woman’s feelings before ever knowing her.
A lot of women feel the same way you do, trust me. A lot of women don’t know what they want, or just want something as simple as somebody that they enjoy spending time with. That’s it. Try not to overcomplicate it. Ask them what they want before you sabotage connections.
Dude I’ve being ignored enough. I won’t ask anything, is obvious what they want from a man. Be honest would you date me? Make love to me? No, right? I bet you’re thinking I’m pathetic. Well this is me.
I wouldn’t, not because you are unsuccessful, but because you hate yourself.
When I met my partner of 10 years, he had no money, i had barely any. We drank king cans by the river and smoked weed for our first date. In fact, I dated so many guys that were hardly conventionally attractive, money or success weren’t things I considered. The only things I considered were how I felt around them. You would be surprised what kind of things women find attractive.
You really are just making huge leaps and assumptions because you don’t want to have to turn your whole world upside down, because that would mean admitting you have been wrong for so long and miserable for no reason. It would mean having to dissect your own ego.
You clearly don’t want to be happy, because if you did, you wouldn’t be arguing against advice you asked for. Women don’t want to date you because you don’t want them to want to date you, because that would mean you’re wrong, so you actively push them away by doing things like this.
This is pure blackpill. I’m really sorry you are in this position, but you truly need to talk this over with a therapist. You’re not unlovable, but when you think and talk like this women, rightfully, see nothing but red flags. And then your loneliness become a self fulfilling prophecy.
There is nothing wrong with you, except for the fact that you believe everything is wrong with you. A relationship is literally the last thing you need, instead focus on your own mental health and serenity.
This thread is a form of self harm. I know therapy is hard, but arguging with strangers about how terrible you are won’t ever make things better. Tending to your mental health will.
Couldn’t even use different verbiage on his new account after getting banned everywhere lmao
Get help
Please get therapy. I started a few years ago and I went from autistic virgin in his late 20s who had never been on a single date to guy with a girlfriend. It’s never too late if you are willing to put work into yourself.
Also, even if you can’t afford therapy, at least read “The Six Pillars Of Self Esteem” by Nathaniel Branden. Just skip all the parts where he talks about Ayn Rand. And do the homework at the back of the book every day if you can, once you finish reading it. That book was maybe the thing that made the biggest difference for me in changing my attitude about finding a relationship.
I’m not unfortunately. That’s why I’m asking how to turn that feeling off.
You’re not what?
if you are willing to put work into yourself.
Is my guess.
It doesn’t matter. I just realized that OP is that same asshole who has been making posts like this one for weeks and belligerently arguing with anyone who gives him good advice. The account creation date for the OP lines up perfectly with the last comment made by that other account ( @fookreddit69@lemm.ee ) and they share the same personal details (lives in Italy with mom, is 35, unemployed)
Unfortunately.
You need professional therapy, not “advice” from Lemmy
Certainly better than nothing. Going to a therapist can be hard, both mentally and economically.
Lemmy advice for someone struggling who really needs therapy for a harsh problem can definitely be worse than nothing
It’s not better than nothing for OP. He uses Lemmy to get attention instead of accepting the advice people give him. He will never improve as long as he is using this place as an incel stomping ground.
Just look at his responses in this thread from several days ago: https://lemm.ee/post/34057938
He has no desire to improve. Only to wallow in self pity and get as much attention as possible from well-meaning people on the fediverse.
While your response is harsh, I think there is merit in it. A professional would work on the undelying issue, rather than daily placating of feelings.
We can see from the past few weeks of activity that OP is not going to improve by continuing this behaviour. Just look at the conversation they had with @hellothere@sh.itjust.works in the thread I linked.
That was somebody who was genuinely trying to help and giving OP as much support and empathy as they could muster. And you can see OP just has no desire to improve his situation. He just wants attention.
That’s kind of you to say, thanks.
Oh fuck off, I just realized this is that same attention whoring piece of shit @fookreddit69@lemm.ee
You’re upset you got banned from all the asklemmy munis for posting so much “woe is me” crap aren’t you? So now you’ve evaded your ban by creating a new account…
Listen, if you aren’t going to accept anyone’s advice, you are just wasting everyone’s time by posting. Everyone has told you what you need to do. Seek therapy, stop being so down on yourself. Do literally anything to improve your situation instead of shitposting on Lemmy.
Man we already got a local victim whore?
Community is really taking roots
Nature is healing ✨
It’s so obviously the same person. If anyone ever desperately needed to get the fuck off the Internet and go touch grass, it’s this guy.
I was stunned when I saw it wasn’t that guy. Jokes on me, because yeah, very clearly the same dude with a new account. He seriously needs to log off, go to the gym, and see a therapist
As someone who has friends before in a similar situation as you, you may have certain limitations or disabilities and the best option is, yes it’s work but it’s extremely gratifying is to go and find a good therapist that you can talk to to help understand yourself and your predicament.
That’s my suggestion of the best course as you have potentially other underlying things you don’t realize like severe codependency (from my experience from my friends I used to have, not saying you do)
If you simply just don’t do anything nothing will change and it will get worse and worse.
(Just in case your hyper dependent with your parents) Just absolutely do something if you care about yourself at all. Your parent(s) will not be there forever, they can’t sustain you forever.
You really don’t, humans are by and large social animals, so while you might be able to suppress that feeling, there’s little chance to get rid of it entirely.
I agree with the other comment though that you need to build general social circles first and foremost. That’s how most relationships start anyway, through mutual hobbies and interests.
Just don’t go waltzing into any hobby gardener meetup with the only thought in mind to find a partner, but rather get involved with something you care about and then see what happens. Be that a book club, board game session, arts & craft stuff, sports, or whatever, just make sure it’s an actual interest of yours.
And if it’s the no sex part that contributes to your insecurity, then seriously, find a paid companion. If that’s illegal where you’re at, find a place you could go without repercussions. I’ve seen people transform over such encounters, no matter how frowned upon it might seem in society.
Hobbies is the answer.
Join a gym, go once a week until you want to go more.
Go to trivia at a bar that does it the same day every week.
Find a local club for an interest you have.
Find things that happen on a schedule that you have to show up for.
The problem you’ve described, in my experience, is that it sounds like you don’t have a life for anyone to join you in.
Nothing comes easy, even hobbies, you have to decide you want to do a thing and then do it on purpose even if you don’t want to do that thing in that moment.
I am coincidentally also 35, and had similar sentiments following my most “recent” divorce (4 years ago!)
Your comment is bang on mate. The second to last paragraph really hits home but it’s something that I really needed to acknowledge and accept if I ever wanted to move on.
Went to a gig recently, was in a mosh pit for the first time in over a decade, and a fucking LOVED every bit of it, bruising and all.
You just gotta find your vibe, and it takes effort, but once you do others will see your vibe and want to jiggle with you (I’m not great at analogies hopefully this makes sense).And I’ll never have one
Sounds like you want to never have one. That’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. You have convinced yourself so hard that this is who you are, that you are making that who you are.
If you don’t want to be this person, don’t be that person.
Edit:
Hey, let me say first off I’m probably talking to you all wrong. You’re an adult, and I’m in the “talk to my kid” mindset with this. I apologize for being crass. Shit isn’t easy, I agree, I have been where you are and you’re not alone. You aren’t. Don’t lean into the anger and envy and darker tendencies humans have in these scenarios.
Especially when you choose to not have one.
I assure you even at the bottom of my deepest darkest depression, after 2 COVID deaths and suddenly finding myself a single father left alone with my son … I still CHOSE the isolation route.
It wasn’t the depression and everything else choosing, it was me acquiescing to the sweet sad embrace of it. It was cathartic but it was also drowning.
I don’t mean this to minimize, it is crippling and debilitating but it is still our choice. When you’re failing to choose to get up remember the choice is still yours and turn that into power for the next time.
Take a chance. The worst case scenario is you stop doing the thing you weren’t doing already.
Life is absurd, make your own meaning and your own purpose.
I’m sorry but that’s not possible.
honestly I don’t like anything or i give up on everything. I don’t wanna try new things anymore.
That sounds an awful lot like depression. That’s nothing to do with being in a relationship or not; it’s not healthy to not be able to enjoy anything or take interest in anything. Forget about the relationship stuff. You can be and deserve to be happy without one. You need to address the other stuff first.
Have you never deconstructed it before? Like, close your eyes and imagine to yourself, what defines a relationship? What defines the kind of thing I want to be in a relationship with? And what can I offer for that?
A lot of people who seek relationships lack them because they’re narrow about it, even just me mentioning I’m asexual has violated a lot of mens’ visions unfortunately. People today have less of an imagination than they used to, that’s the issue.
Maybe try travel? Bring your laptop / deck / switch so you can game on the road. But do it from some place new. If you can work from home, maybe try moving around on short term rentals. Doesn’t need to be anything exotic, could be the next town over.
Anything to break up your routine a bit. Don’t look at it as a means to an end. Try and enjoy the journey itself
I don’t have a job anymore. I live with my mother.
Oh great. @fookreddit69@lemm.ee is back. Let’s see how much attention we can draw to ourselves today, shall we?
If you’re here to insult me then get lost
They didn’t insult you. They just called out that you are back here after being banned from multiple communities on the fediverse because of posts exactly like this one. You are the one who needs to get lost. Nobody wants to see your little pity parties. Take the hint and go touch some grass.
Heroin
Drugs never did it for me
What about marijuana and friends?
My wife and I happened to meet because each of us had a mutual friend that by chance brought us together. It all happened randomly. I say this because it was through friendships that we met. I never would have spoken to her if not for two completely unrelated friends bringing us to an event.
You gotta find yourself having fun with friends before you find a partner. I would wager that is a healthy way to go about things. Just get out and talk to some friends.
I have 0 friends. Besides as a kid i always had been long for like 20 years by now.
