I cheated on her. It was a moment of complete stupidity that I instantly regretted. 2004 was a rough year.

When i told her i love you

Invited her to my house when my family were away for a week.

We watched TV and ordered some pizza.

She was cuddling into me and laying across my lap.

I still decided not to make my move and kiss her.

We stopped talking just a few weeks later.

I blew my chance.

“come up for some coffee?”

“No. I don’t drink coffee this late. I wouldn’t sleep all night.”

Poked fun at a (very) rich woman saying she spoiled her son. She didn’t take the joke well.

Remember kids, if a person asks “What would you do if I asked you out?” – that person is asking you out.

Classic didn’t pick up on when they were flirting, only figured it out right before they moved halfway across the world.

I fucked up a lot of potential relationships by being too horny, and a lot of potentially fun hookups by being too serious. But it all worked out in the end.

Some skinny girl climbed into my lap at a college house party. I was very fucked up. For some reason, I thought a good thing to say was, “Why not, I’ve fucked fatter chicks.” She immediately got up and we never spoke again. No clue why I said that. I never even got her name, which is a shame, because I’d like to apologize.

Taco Bell fart during a blowjob.

I fell in love with a guy who took photos of graves

He was beautiful and studied graves and probably said intelligent things, which mostly never registered because when he talked I mostly was just nodding my head, wanting to have sex with him, probably not really understanding anything he said.

He would be like “blah blah blah random book blah blah blah random war blah blah blah grave.” If I didn’t want to have sex with him so much, I probably would have tried to follow along more. The stuff he said about books was confusing. I’m semi-illiterate due to not having an attention span that allows reading. Everytime he talked I just wanted to lick him. It made following his long diatribes about graves challenging.

One day he was traveling to a foreign land far, far away (to take pictures of graves) and I was bored and unemployed and had extra money at the time and asked if I could tag along

He said sure

When I got there, my first night, we both got drunk and he wanted to crash in my room at the hotel I had gotten

As we were getting ready to fall asleep, he asked if I wanted to snuggle

But I knew he would never love me because I’m ugly and strange so I told him no, since I didn’t want to fall for him and get hurt.

If I were a little cuter and less strange, I think he might have liked me enough to stay, but I was only good enough for a one night stand or occasional pity fuck, and I knew it. He didn’t really like me that much.

We knew each other for a long time before that and did have sex before that and he had been very mean to me at times, probably intentionally but perhaps not, some of the meanest stuff he claimed to not remember. He always thought I was gullible, and often pointed that out in different ways.

There’s a possibility I am wrong and if we had fucked that night we would have ended up together.

I never fell out of love with him but everything in my life deteriorated, in this incredible downward spiral, and still deteriorates, and one day, I’ll be in a grave and won’t think about him. Perhaps he’ll take a photo of it.

Perhaps he’ll read this and recognize it’s him one day when he’s much older and I am dead. I haven’t died yet, but I expect by the end of the decade I’ll end up in some hotel room, doped up and on the precipice of death, whispering and cursing his name before overdosing, wishing I had never met a guy so pretty who liked graves.

I have this warped fantasy in which the war gets worse and we both flee and end up back in the same place we visited to avoid fallout. Many people die and he has fewer options. He ends up settling for me and fucking me so hard and so much that it semi-cures my ADD and I can finally follow what he’s saying.

This story is about 20 years old so the exact details are a tad fuzzy. I was a somewhat awkward kid in high school, when i was around 14-16 i was on a family vacation and was walking through the hotel lobby to go to the beach for a night walk. I ran into a group of like 3 or 4 girls my age or a tad older and we started talking. After a little while of chatting it up one girl asked to see my wallet, odd request but whatever, im an awkward teenager chatting with a group of girls i thought was attractive. As she is inspecting my wallet she asks “where do you keep your condom in your wallet?” I proudly told her (like my parents always warned me) “you shouldn’t keep a condom in your wallet b/c it can cause it to rip” That kind of killed the conversation for them so after a few more minutes I went on down to the beach. It didnt hit me until I was close to 30 why she was asking where i kept a condom in my wallet…

I was moving to Florida with a friend and he warned me about his friends girlfriend who would also be living with us. “She’s a slut, she’ll try to sleep with anyone.” So one day after being there a wile I’m woken up by someone climbing on my bed and I think “goddamn it not this” and immediately jump up.

It was that guys hot sister that was into me until I bugged out there…

:(

There are places where I have such a negative reputation (for a mixture of things that are non-issues and things out of my control) that I can mess up my chances simply by mentioning who I am. I’ve been told before things like “good work girl, we’d love to have you, what’s your name” and I respond and they’re like “WHAT?!? Oh would you look at that, my biscuits are burning!” and I never see them again.

Usually before it starts by not being able to see they are interested in me.