Hello gay people in my phone. My child (16) sort of came out as trans to me today. I have been here for the memes for a while, and ive long been a supporter of gay and trans rights.
Do yall have any recommendations of resources for parents of trans kids? I want to help and support them correctly and to the best of my abilities.
Looking for maybe books and communities? Thank you.
And your first thought is to publicly share this extremely private conversation with a bunch of strangers. Are you nuts? Ask for advice from close friends or family, or even a therapist for a modicum of privacy… NOT the internet…
There is no identifying information and asking an allied community for help us quite reasonable. What a bizarre take.
Also, how did you completely miss the fact that OP has put their face as a profile pic?? Anyone who knows them now knows who the texts are about. OP basically outed them publicly.
I’m on a mobile app and my vision is impaired but thanks for the assumptions.
You can ask for help without screenshotting the private conversation. Your take is the weird one.
My first thought was “damn i probably have a lot more learning to do” and this is probably the most trans-friendly community im involved in.
I have trans people in my life, but it seemed more respectful to not out my kid to anyone who knows them before they are comfortable coming out themselves.
Yes, perhaps a screenshot was unnecessary, but i wasnt sure if there was some nuance i was missing that yall might have a better eye for.
I understand and appreciate your perspective, however i doubt i would have received such good information had i not posted here. Case in point: a therapist for trans kids recommended a book for me. That is not the type of person i currently have in my life.
I was concerned if i simply googled all this i might get low quality information since its such a controversial topic and many on the right may have poisoned some of the discourse.
I will likely remove this post once i stop getting replies based on your notes.
This feels like a bit of an overreaction. There’s no identifying information, this is a small corner of the Internet, and they’re here looking for advice on how to be better able to support the kid.
I’d say if I was the kid and I ran across this post, if anything it’d make me feel like my parent is taking a ton of effort to understand and support me.
I’d personally lose all trust in my parents and stop telling them anything if I found such a private conversation online.
Cool. I would assume OP knows their children better than you do, given how they came out to them not you.
Congratulations on being the parent they felt comfortable coming out to! Son came out around the same age, he’s 20 now.
A lot is going to depend on your location. Name change paperwork was a chore but not as much as navigating insurance for HRT. Public school was mostly okay but much was remote due to COVID.
Pm is you have any particular questions.
See if there is a PFLAG chapter near you.
I think this is a nice ressource (and also Doc Impossible is great in general)
https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/oh-st-my-child-just-told-me-theyre
Ask them for their preferred pronouns, ask if they have a preferred name, and ask for time to make those things natural to you. Then ask if they would like to go to gender therapy, take puberty blockers, or other age appropriate trans healthcare.
As for educating yourself, Judith Butler is a great starting point
I respectfully disagree with Judith Butler as an entry to gender theory. Unless they’ve made some more accessible material at some point and I’ve just missed it. It took me 3 attempts to finish gender trouble and I’m not even sure I completely comprehend it lol. That book is dense and full of extremely obscure language and some stuff that I’m convinced they just made up. Not saying OP shouldn’t eventually read it but he should watch some videos and read a few accessible books on gender theory before diving into Judith Butler
That’s a fair assessment. Some of her books are pretty difficult. I started Who’s Afraid of Gender and didn’t think it was more difficult than Chomsky’s Manufacturing Consent, but I suppose it’s all about where folks are at
Not preferred pronouns. Just pronouns
Please note that the trans community no longer uses the phrase “preferred pronouns” as it implies that trans people’s pronouns are a preference, not a fact.
https://glaad.org/reference/transgender
Op, glaad and hrc both have great resources to dig into
https://www.hrc.org/our-work/parents-for-transgender-equality-network (see supporting your trans children page)
I didn’t know the community dropped that term, my bad. Agreed, GLAAD is a great source. I recommended Butler because generally I think people want to know “why do people” when they want to understand
Depending on where you’re at I’m not sure I’d want to put mine or my kid’s name on anything that could be used to make us a target. At pride last year we spent some time talking to pflag and I ultimately decided not to give them our information, but took a card and flyer.
https://www.aclu.org/cases/pflag-v-office-of-the-attorney-general-of-texas
Depending on where you’re at defending your kid from the state is now something that must be part of your calculations. If you can afford it, I recommend moving to as safe of a state as you can. Because feeling like your government is targeting you is painful, exhausting, and incredibly lonely.
I will never not laugh at combining trans and parent as transparent.
I don’t even know why, it’s not even a good pun
But it’s like when Timmy wished for Super Vision
Lol my wife went as Transparent for Halloween last year…
The rules are:
- I love you no matter what.
- See rule 1.
Well done. Good dad.
I’m a therapist who works with a lot of trans kids. The recommendations in this thread are great!
Since you specifically requested books, this is my go-to recommendation for parents of my trans clients: https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/The-Transgender-Child-Revised-Updated-Edition/Stephanie-Brill/9781627783248 . If you buy and read one book, this is the one I’d choose.
Congratulations. First off, relax; the fact that you’re the kind of parent your son felt comfortable coming out to means that you’re already doing it right. The worst thing you can do right now is panic and try to change everything about how you parent; your kid is clearly grateful to have the parent they have.
Next up, don’t push. This is their journey, you’re just a passenger. Be there for them, listen, ask questions, but let them go at their own pace.
And in that same vein, as a supportive parent, understand that sometimes they won’t want you to be supportive. Your instinct is going to be too fight like hell for your son, and you have to understand that there are going to be times when they just want to keep their head down and not make waves. It might feel satisfying to demand to speak to the manager just because the cashier misgendered your son, but if it’s not what they want then you’re just doing it for your own gratification. Be absolutely clear with him that you will fight like hell for him, any time he asks you to… But be ready to stand down when he tells you to stand down.
Finally, understand that everyone’s gender journey is different. Don’t let your son feel pressured into being certain things just because they’re “manly” or whatever. If he wants to be the kind of guy who wears dresses and paints his nails, then that’s the kind of guy he is, and if he wants to be the kind of guy who drives a truck, slams whisky and hunts bears in the woods, then that’s the kind of guy he is. There’s no right way to perform gender, and being trans isn’t about how you perform gender. It’s just something you know inside. Again, you’re just a passenger here. Let him decide where he’s going, and then do whatever you can to help him get there.
But most of all, just keep being you. You’re already off to a great start. More than anything right now, your son probably just wants his life to stay recognizable and normal. So do some normal things with him. He’ll talk about the big stuff when he’s ready.
Im totally straight and married but love this community on the lemmy.
Glad you’re here with us
Same. Im very happy i had a community like this to turn to that i kinda trust.
when you’re in the phone, you’re gay. no excuses.
Not sure why you mentioned being straight. Did you mean to say cis?
I was talking to them in their language.
What?
I’m assuming they meant “talking to the parent, using less complicated, more mainstream words, even if the meaning is a little wrong as a result”.
Which in my opinion is an ok approach, even though this specific parent, just by posting here, appears tech- and lgbt- savvy enough to probably know at least some terms.
Also, they could have just said ‘not trans’ instead, if ‘cis’ would be too advanced.Actually scratch that, I get using “straight” as non-lgbt. It is how is very commonly used outside of lgbt circles.
But not a bad thought on its own.
just maybe a bit othering.CIS guys don’t talk to each other like “hey I’m CIS!”
There’s no reason to make it anything more than that. I was trying to be kind and considerate. I didn’t have the answers that he was looking for. I wanted him to know that there’s other guys here like him.
If you start the conversation and tell me you aren’t a typical CIS man, I’d respond that I was a typical CIS man. Does that help you understand?
Exactly, which is why I’m confused why you started off saying you’re straight. Clearly you said it for a reason, but it doesn’t seem relevant to anything, so I don’t know the reason. My best guess was that you meant it like “hey, I’m not trans either so I’m empathizing with you here” which is why I asked if you meant cis, because the opposite of trans is cis, not straight.
To clarify, I’m not attacking, I’m just trying to figure out what you meant.
Look if there are self-help groups/similar for parents/people around trans people in a city near you!
call him son as soon as you can and feel comfortable to
Sounds like you’re doing alright. I’d say keep doing as you’re doing. Don’t change anything unless asked - make this whole thing seem completely normal. Just be attentive and listen to your child. You probably won’t understand, at least not fully, a lot of what they’re going through. No matter how hard you try, unless you experience it yourself, it’s pretty much impossible, like seeing a new color. Be open to that fact, that things are quite simply fundamentally different from their perspective.
Be a safe space. It sounds like you already are. Keep doing that. No matter the situation the two of you are involved in, your priority is their livelihood. Safety, autonomy, backup, whatever they need in order to provide that.
They were comfortable enough with you to tell you, and ahead of two others who might have a similar “right” to know. Your response was to provide the support you immediately could, and seek assistance otherwise. Keep doing what you’re doing, bud.
That’s when you have a transmission kid instead
That last bit seems kinda selfish. I mean maybe don’t listen to me because I’m not trans and I wouldn’t know firsthand, but the world seems to be pretty shitty to transfolk.
Not that you shouldn’t support your trans kids, I just don’t know you should be wishing for something that would probably make their life more difficult.
I spose in a better world it would be no different than specifically wanting a daughter or a son, but even then gender dysphoria seems like all kinds of not fun.
The post is pretty transparently intended as a joke using wordplay.
Yeah, that last line, the transparent bit? Was added in the end as a little joke.
One rule could be censoring information that could plausibly out someone, such as the name of a (step?)family-member
Thank you. Hadnt thought of that since lemmy has kindof a small userbase. But i updated it
