A week ago, my mom figured out how to get through my bedroom door lock: using a screwdriver. I’ve heard her on a phone call with my uncle, and he showed her the trick. Whenever I don’t respond or give in, she could just insert the screwdriver through my lock, and bam, she can come in whenever she wants to.
I’ve searched online for getting around this, and I’ve decided on:
- Getting a lock. (or something that (b)locks the door)
- Using a portable lock. (Addalock, any others)
- Using a doorstop.
- Make your own lock. (like using a fork)
But then I thought that my mom would still enter using the screwdriver. The handle’s loose, so she knows she’s able to barge in. I could be wrong, though.
My door jamb has a dent, so she has a peephole to look in and might figure out why the door wouldn’t open.
Should I be able to get a lock? If not, are there any alternatives or other solutions?
Edit: Wanted to make a quick edit. My mom shows narcissistic traits, and would barge in the room for her own entertainment. I’ve tried asking her to leave a few times, even discussing about it with her, but she isn’t seeming interested to understand or listen. I would stay as far from her in my room in order to not attract her.
If you are in a situation where needing to barricade your door to prevent your parent’s entry is a regular occurrence, it is probably time to involve child protective services. You don’t need to give details of your situation to strangers on the internet, but I would highly encourage you to go to a trusted friend or family member’s home and contact the authorities.
Yeah this has Bigger Problems written all over it. While it is useful to have a technical answer to this immediate problem, a method to barricading the door would at best be a delaying tactic. The actual problem will still exist, and there very likely will be retaliation like the mom completely removing the door.
Hey, sorry, in a perfect world that would be the answer but in most places no, CPS will not be a good idea. At best they can remove you from that situation at which point you enter the very, very under-funded foster care system. This means a loss of friends and family perhaps changing schools alot of the time not enough food to eat some nights, or proper clothes, education, protection, etc.
On top of this, often those in charge of these places are quite terrible people too. Abusive mentally, sexually, or physically.
At worse, and more commonly, they do nothing and the abuse gets worse.
I really wouldn’t suggest this option so willingly unless you knew the local system or the abuse was much worse than the, admitadly very concerning and not something this kid should have to deal with, current description.
From what I’ve heard on the internet, CPS will only take children away as a LAST option, not as a first one. There are all kinds of interventions that can happen before that, like mandating recurring surprise inspections, parenting classes, etc.
I don’t know much about CPS, but now that I think about it, it’s not really ideal for my situation.
I don’t know your situation. Though I’d caution you about contacting them without knowing your local CPS and their track record, I hope if it is or becomes untenable that’ll be an option.
I wish the best for you. I know quite a few people who’ve had terrible experiances with their parents, I hope like them things can get better for you with time
I couldn’t say any better
Depends on how old OP is and what’s going on exactly: Are they a teenager and the parent is worried they’re abusing drugs or something? We don’t really know what’s going on exactly, could be nefarious or it could just be someone trying to be a good parent.
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If your door opens into the room, use a door wedge. Really cheap and super effective. Close your door and really drive it in. If it slips, try a plastic/rubber one.
Other than that: Listen to the other people. This isn’t normal behaviour. And you’re the victim of mental abuse here.
And mom can just push that out of the way with her finger
Is the crack under your doors really that big? I genuinely don’t know so please tell me. Where I live it’s tiny. You wouldn’t be able to get your pinkie underneath the door. Maybe a piece of cardboard. But I’ve tried and that door stop from the dollar store is really in there and won’t budge.
I’m sorry. If OP’s doors are also built like this, they might have to find another solution.
Yes. In the US, a gap of about 3/4 inch from a finished floor is normal. It acts as air return when the door is closed. I know in some other countries they put a hole in the wall above the door for this purpose, usually making it look decorative.
Ahem. In Germany we have neither. I’m sure there are hidden secrets in modern buildings, but not in the usual apartments.
Why is there even a door at this point? The whole point of a door is visual, sonic, heat and smell isolation, there’s barely any point if you have a 2cm gap below the door.
Maybe not the solution, but the ideal answer would be a conversation and family therapy
All I’ll say is, I beefed up my bedroom lock when I still lived at home, I was maybe 13. I thought I was pretty clever installing a padlock and security bar. That would give me privacy for sure!
Well, for all my hard work, it only resulted in my father smashing the door apart and removing it entirely the first time they wanted to enter without permission. That was the day I learned interior doors are not exactly reinforced, and most are not even solid core… anyway I eventually hung a thin blanket some months later, but I had effectively zero privacy the rest of the years I lived there.
I’d suggest you work towards an understanding with the homeowner before you try removing their access from rooms.
Steel door it is. Thanks for the tip.
No joke, when I got my own place I replaced the main bedroom door for a thick, annoyingly heavy, solid wood door almost immediately. After experiencing how easily the childhood door was defeated, I sleep a bit better knowing there’s a “strong” door between me and potential intruders…
The next weak link is the doorway framing, but unless the FBI are coming in I think it’s good enough.
In the US, you can just knock a hole through the dry wall next to the door.
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One important contextual item: how old are you?
Less important but still useful: what jurisdiction are you in? Is your father her enabler, absent, elsewhere?
I’m here for the shitty advice! Fight toxic with toxic, let her barge in while you’re jerking off, and don’t stop once she’s in. See how long she keeps doing that shit afterwards.
sure but that could easily backfire depending on her opinions on that sort of thing
Then you start running for the door while your naked
… Aww. Why did the story stop?
My dad stopped opening my door without knocking as soon as I started sleeping naked. It could work. Narcissist are the worst, though. My dad has shame, a narcissist will turn their shame outwards and blame others for how they feel.
Establish dominance by watching your porn with the door open.
Have loud conversations on speaker.
You can’t win this fight until you move out. Until then just make it in their best interest to not be a shitty parent.
A week ago, my mom figured out how to get through my bedroom door lock: using a screwdriver.
That doesn’t help you, but: My kids were 4 when they figured that out - by themselves.
Assuming you’re old enough that your mom doesn’t have to worry about you cutting your hair with the paper scissors or something like that this behaviour doesn’t sound normal - and while it might be useful in the short term to be able to properly close your door it’ll most likely just shift conflict in the longer term, and you’ll have to look into actually resolving that. We have a saying in IT - ‘you can’t solve social problems with technical solutions’. This might apply here.
This assumes the mother is at all interested in resolving it. The narcissistic autocratic “my house my rules” types don’t really care.
I feel like this is missing some information: How old are you and why is your parent so interested in what’s going on in your room?
The reddit sub r/raisedbynarcissists may help you, OP.
What you’re describing was exactly how my mother treated me at your age, sadly.
I’m in my 40s now and the only effective strategy I’ve found is to physically remove myself or suspend contact when her behaviour gets bad. I don’t even bother to explain or argue any more.
noo not reddit!! :( /j
Haha I feel the same, hopefully the useful communities will end up here
If you can leave and find a place to live, it is better than living with a narcissist who doesn’t respect your privacy.
My parents also would barge into my bedroom whenever they liked, after a big argument, my dad respected my wishes, but no matter how many arguments about privacy we had, my mother never listened. I began to just be naked whenever I was in my room alone, and she stopped. When I wasn’t in my room, she would still enter, but I didn’t keep a diary and my computer was encrypted.
Re arrange the room so your heaviest piece of furniture is near the door, like juuust enough clearance that the door can open. Then you can easily barricade it by placing something lighter in between the door and the heavy furniture, like a stool or chair.
I had to do this to keep my mom out of my room when I was 15.
If she escalates and removes your door, you can fully barricade the door with furniture, and if they remove the furniture from your room, drag in furniture from the hallways/kitchen if you feel malicious.
If they ever remove your bed, that is considered abuse in most places, and should be brought up with your school’s councilor or a trusted teacher, they are mandated reporters.
Are you considered a dependent minor in whatever country you are in, and living in your parent’s house?
If so, then I don’t think you have a legal reasonable expectation of privacy.
You might get away with a physical barricade (like a door jam, or one of those anti-break-in bars - if your door opens inward), but your mom could escalate and just have the entire door removed if she wanted to and felt it was important enough.
Does the key hole extend to your side of the door? If so, the easiest solution is to put the key in the door. She’s not picking the lock if there’s something already in the hole.
Failing this, perhaps this is a call for you to find your own space. A new door isn’t going to magically make things better, and for narcissists, living under their roof will mean that they should always have access.
You could move out.
This would be the mature thing to do.
