Ever since I was a child I was afraid of getting older and dying. It has been in the back of my mind for most of my life.

I had phases were this fear was not really around and then phases where it is the only thing I can think of. Ever since Corona it has gotten worse and worse. It just struck me one day while playing video games with my friends. Suddenly I was like “I WILL die one day. I will not be anymore … forever. I won’t even know that I am not anymore.” and I broke down pretty much immediately.

What followed was a phase of everlasting fear and anxiety. It was so bad that I just couldn’t fall asleep unless I watched comedy until was physically not able to stay awake. Back then I thought it was a result of the isolation of Corona. Since then I moved back in with my mother (due to different reasons). Everything was fine for a while but now it is back.

I should be happy. I handed in my bachelor’s thesis a while back, will soon move out again and have gotten a job in my dream career. I finished my therapy and while I am still not completely over my social anxiety but it is getting better and better. And yet the fear was never as bad. Last night I cowered into a ball under my desk and started crying.

It has gotten to a point were I thought about killing myself to end it. It is the same result either way. I won’t remember anything anyway. Even the pain and grief friends and family would feel is only temporary. They too will be gone with everything that made them up one day.

I have no intentions of going through with it but it frightens me that I even think like this.

I don’t know were this is coming from. Maybe from the feeling that I am wasting my life, that I am a failure and too far behind peers, that I am too old to have so little but I also know that it’s not like I could have done a lot better. Due to circumstances outside of my own control I am were I am right now but I am doing my best to get better. It’s just that it takes a lot of time and I fear that it takes too much time. I also lost a good friend recently so this probably plays into it as well.

Is there anyway of changing my way of thinking about death? I know I can’t change the fact that I will die but how can I accept it without falling into existential nihilism like I currently am?

Edit: I also already called my therapist but since it’s the weekend they won’t answer before Monday.

  • diegeticscream[all]🔻@lemmygrad.ml
    4·
    11 months ago

    Hey Redcat! How you feel is totally understandable. I’ve had parallel thoughts for most of my life. I won’t say it’s exactly the same, but I’ve broken down crying at work a bunch when I was younger thinking about it. I think it’s probably a good idea to talk to a therapist about this if it’s possible for you, though.

    It’s helpful to me to recognize and acknowledge when I’m caught in a spiral thinking pattern. I’ll use “I recognize that I thought that, but I choose not to pursue it”. I’ll sometimes just think the yakety sax theme really hard until the circular thought pattern’s less immediate.

    I think it’s worth recognizing that death and life are interrelated. That the beauty of life, all life, is predicated on the fact that it’s temporary. Flower blooms are made more lovely by the fact that they fade, and every great story is great (in part) because of how it ended. It’s probably a little morbid to obsess over, but it helps me to think about sometimes.

    This song helps me: https://youtu.be/XWuOgDAEqss?si=8cznbkalUmF1HPwi

    And this quote:

    “I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”.