Hey there,
I recently found out Kris Tyson is now trans. She had a wife and a child before the transition. This kind of made me wonder. How can anyone be sure they won’t turn out trans? Like what made you (to any trans people out there) make the switch?
To add a little context. I am a man, straight maybe a tiny bit bi. I have a some traits/interests that would typically be “reserved” (please excuse my terminology here and there) for women.
For instance, I dance a lot. I have even started ballet dancing. And in the past I had an eating disorder. Now I know this may sound a kind of bigoted or stereotypical. But I don’t mean it that way, this is purely based on statistics.
However I feel in no way that I am in the wrong body. I like being a man, I like the idea of masculinity, and I like being a man who dances. (Okay granted, I did not like the eating disorder)
But it makes me “worried” if I do end up trans when I already have a wife and children. I want to know before I get all of that done you know what I mean? Tyson probably wanted too, now that I think about it.
Bottom line: How did most trans people know they were trans?
I can’t speak for anyone else, but I didn’t turn anything, I just found a way to say what I had already been feeling the whole time. I never felt like a “man” or a “boy” and just smiled and nodded when other people described me in those categories. I didn’t have the words, didn’t have a way to let other people know how I felt about myself until now, and still struggle with some people who still don’t understand.
I’m not a woman because I like nail polish, dresses, or unicorns, and I’m not not a woman because I like video games, dragons, and nerd shit. I’m a woman because that’s who I am, and once I realized that was “allowed” it was the only true way to say it. I’m not a feminine man and I never was, and while I don’t think I’m a particularly masculine woman, I didn’t think “looking girly stuff” or “liking manly stuff” is ever going to define who you are. If you honestly don’t know who you are, I can see it helping you figure it out, but if you are comfortable being who you are, you don’t need to change it.
IANA trans person.
From what I’ve heard, a big factor is body dysmorphia. Do you look at your chest and think it’d feel more right with boobs on it? Does the idea of facial hair seem like it could never be “you”?
You don’t have to be all man all the time. You can like feminine things. That doesn’t mean you’re actually a woman. There’s plenty of shades of grey.
Nitpick: it’s body dysphoria, not dysmorphia. The latter makes you actively see your body differently from what it is.
I’m in my 40’s and trans, and ever since I was a child I knew I didn’t fit my assigned gender and it just felt… wrong. Took me a long time to understand this was me being trans and not me being “broken” somehow, thanks to a conservative upbringing, but basically I’ve known all my life.
For instance, I dance a lot. I have even started ballet dancing. And in the past I had an eating disorder. Now I know this may sound a kind of bigoted or stereotypical. But I don’t mean it that way, this is purely based on statistics.
these things do make not a person LGBTQ+
However I feel in no way that I am in the wrong body. I like being a man, I like the idea of masculinity
this seems to be pretty much the qualifying criterion, and, to this, I’d ay no, you’re (very probably) not trans.
But it makes me “worried” if I do end up tran
people are born LGBTQ+ and typically know it all their lives. From you descriptions, it seems like you might just be Bi. Enjoying “non-masculine” activities doesn’t really mean anything in and of itself. Being LGBTQ+ isn’t something one “ends up as”-- it’s something we always have been.
when I already have a wife and children
and so what? sure, there may be some adjustments for them to make, but, unless they’re transphobes, it shouldn’t be a problem.
dancing doesn’t make you a woman. feeling like a woman does. do you feel like you’re a woman? if not, you’re not a woman.
I think this is way too simple to answer OP’s question. Not all trans women “feel like a woman” from birth. Otherwise way less people would come out as adults.
so? are you suggesting people should transition just in case they feel like a woman in the future? no. you do it when you feel like it. i just think op is too caught up on gender norms, and thinks going against them might indicate you’re trans. it’s not the case.
How did you come to that conclusion from my comment?
There is no realizing that you’ll turn out trans, because by realizing that you are realizing that you are trans.
Vast question. Finding out who you are is a lifelong process.
My thought: “male” and “female” are, in fact, abstract ideas, simple labels that each imperfectly, awkwardly covers entire, partially overlapping universes of complexity. And in practical reality, no one is all the way in either universe to the entire exclusion of the other.
So perhaps you are fine in a masculine body enjoying feminine-coded traits and activities. Perhaps the body shape that you would like to see in the mirror fluctuates with time or with your mood. Perhaps you are fine with your genitals but would like to have breasts, or perhaps you are fine with your chest but are thrilled by the idea of a vulva between your legs. Perhaps you would love the way you look and feel in a skirt and high socks. Perhaps you just thrive socializing and belonging in groups of women. Perhaps – likely – none of the above, but something else, something lovely I can’t even begin to imagine. Only you can find out.
Ultimately all labels are, to some extent, bullshit. Each human is a rich multitude that defies naming and containment. I hope you love whatever it is you end up finding out are.
It sounds like you’re worried enjoying activities and having personality traits typically associated with women means you may be trans, which could negatively affect your family life if you transitioned. I mean this in the nicest way possible: my therapist would probably call this catastrophizing. It’s coming from a kind place (you don’t want to potentially upset your family), but it’s several hypotheticals stacked on top of each other. Don’t borrow trouble, as my grandma would say.
Nobody is going to be able to give you a test to tell you with 100% confidence you aren’t trans, but if you’ve always felt comfortable with being a man and your anatomy, there is no reason to believe you will suddenly want to be a woman. Feminine men are no less men than masculine men. Some feminine men are even trans men! Being a man (gender identity) isn’t the same thing as acting masculine (gender expression).
So, all that said, what made me realize I’m trans is finding out trans men exist. Seriously, that was all it took. Before that I only knew trans women existed and thought I wasn’t “allowed” to be trans. Within maybe a month of thinking on it and reading accounts from other trans men, I knew I was trans.
I think the term you might identify with more is “gender nonconforming” meaning you enjoy things that are not traditionally associated with your gender, but you’re happy with your gender and body the way they are. If you felt dysphoric/uncomfortable with your body that would be more trans. Hope that helps, whatever you choose to label it doesn’t matter too much just be what makes you most comfortable!
You don’r become trans, you eventually realize that you are trans :)
About being sure: It took me a lot of self-reflection and I only found out Inwas trans when I was 31ish.
However I feel in no way that I am in the wrong body.
I’m not trans, but I believe that’s the key. You said “turn out trans,” but I believe most trans folks never really felt like they were in the right body, ever, though they might not have realized what it was that was wrong earlier. It’s not like people wake up one day and think, “oh shit, I’m trans!”
I am trans and I can say I’ve never felt like I was in the wrong body, I think most of the time that’s just a relatively flawed way to describe an experience that can’t truely be understood unless you’ve experienced it.
Of course, no one has the same experience with these things and it’s entirely valid if everyone else does feel that way. For me it’s mostly just been that something felt like it was missing, and I fixed that when I began to transition. The main thing was how much happier the internal changes made me, estrogen changes how you experience emotions and being out to my family had a similar effect.
When it comes to “signs” the biggest was just being envious of people who had the freedom to express differently than me. I can confirm that it’s a gradual realisation, though honestly most of that was overcoming shame and internalised transphobia.
The other posts all have some pretty good advice about how to tell if you’re trans so I wanted to add:
When you see a slogan like “trans rights are human rights”, I want you to know that trans rights are your rights too. You should have the right to do ballet if you want and not feel like you’re doing something weird or outside the norm, and I think it’s rational self-interest to support visible trans people for that reason! If transphobia went away then you wouldn’t need to feel weird about doing something gender nonconforming.
Dancing and an eating disorder don’t make you bi. Same-gender attraction does.
Pretty sure my inability to use a chair correctly is what makes me bi, thinking everyone is hot is just a side effect
Cisgender woman here, I just wanted to add that if my husband were to come out as trans, that would not be a tragedy or something I wished he’d gotten figured out sooner for my sake. In this hypothetical scenario, if it somehow managed to make us incompatible as married partners we’d deal with it but people have gotten divorced for much worse reasons before. The worst part for me would be worrying if he’d been miserable during our marriage, because I love him and would hate for that to be his experience of our time together.
It’s really hard to imagine because AFAIK we’re both cis but personally I’d probably prefer to stay married to my spouse even if he changed his gender identity. I mean he’s still the same person I married and we still love the same things and have a wonderful life and child together. I dunno, maybe it wouldn’t work out in the end but I sure as hell wouldn’t be mad at him for something he couldn’t change.
Anyways, my point is you don’t have to assume that your relationships with cis people will all get blown up if you do happen to be trans. I appreciate the urge to have your ducks all in a row before embarking on significant life events but the truth is that marriage and adulthood is super messy anyways. If you marry someone and have a kid with them the odds are good you will have all sorts of chaotic events to deal with- physical illnesses, mental illnesses, kid stress or illness, weight gain or loss, money trouble, job changes, changes in personality with age, the list goes on and on. The trick to being happily married is rolling with the changes, working hard at your partnership, and being committed to your partner, not having it all perfectly lined up at the start.
I changed my gender at around 25 because I had significant issues with my voice, my body, and my genitals that caused me significant distress and interfered with my life, but they were present and ever increasing pretty much since I hit puberty. I knew something was wrong from an earlyish age, and dealt with it pretty much just when my husband was okay with it. I’d always envied women for their natural sex characteristics, and if I didn’t get a negative reaction when I came out as a teenager I would have transitioned much earlier.
I think if you’re happy in your body’s secondary sex characteristics, you probably don’t have to worry about being trans. From what you’ve said here, it sounds to me like you probably aren’t.
