For better or worse. Small scale or large. Personal or shared. What is an event you’ve experienced that changed the way you act, live, feel, etc. It could be short-term or long. Share what you feel comfortable with. Triumphs and tragedies alike.
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I would say the pandemic, but for the better, let me explain: What happened is that several things came together at that time: my first (and at the moment my last) breakup, failing almost all the subjects of the two universities I attended at the same time, the stress of attending two universities at the same time, and then the pandemic happened.
I had literally broken down as a person, as a human being. I needed help and I sought it wherever I could. I was never very close to Christianity like my family, so I couldn’t find answers there, but I did have some interest in Buddhism, so I took advantage of the lull in the world because of the pandemic to read about it, and that helped me a lot. I didn’t convert to Buddhism or anything, but I was able to assimilate some of its teachings into my way of seeing the world and allow myself to heal. I began to accept myself, to forgive my mistakes, to stop seeing myself as a failure and a burden to my family. When I found the limits of what I could accomplish on my own to continue healing, I sought professional psychological help, something that was unthinkable for me before. I started medication and have been feeling much better ever since.
I can now say with complete confidence that I like the person I am now, I am more confident in my abilities and I am more optimistic about my future. I think if I had continued with my pre-pandemic pace of life I would have collapsed, maybe not even still be alive.
I believe that from time to time one needs to stop for a moment, step out of the mad tide of the world and allow oneself to heal so as not to succumb.
a) I love this very much and b) if you ever wanna meditate together I’m down =)
So my dad had a friend that was so close we called him uncle. Im guessing in most cases and sure in my dads case it was basically his best friend. So he was single and my dad was married raising seven kids. He would stop by with beers out of the blue and he always also picked up some soda or something for the kids. The fact he made it a point to think of us I think impacted us a lot in terms of how important simple kindness can be. So that is the first part. He died while I was in a PhD program and honestly it was not the only reason I left the program but it helped give a good nudge (since my grades suffered for one thing) and actually it let me re-evaluate and realize I did not really want to put in the level of effort needed versus the rewards I would reap in research.
I hope you found the road you want to actually be on. Sudden deaths (I am going to guess 50s?) freakin’ suck. And I have a couple of people I love who have suffered through either older siblings or fathers going at that age either due to medical complications or heart attacks. And they’re all kinds of ugly, because it’s just like…I mean I know they always say “it’s too soon” when they point at people in their 20s and younger. But really - even 50s and under are too soon. Because they’re here one day, and then they aren’t. And it just feels like there’s this hole that your mind cannot wrangle, and a pain your heart cannot take. I feel so hard for people who lose people too soon. It’s lovely that you share his bigness though, still. And it’s beautiful, the way kindness is contagious. One time I was on a train with my ex, and a blind guy came bussing through. Scam or not, when a dollar entered the pot - more and more came. And it showed me how people are willing to give, but their hearts need to be guided. Your uncle (and he was most def your uncle ;P!) showed you that, and it’s big! So many people discredit kids, I grew up with better seen not heard. But I mean, in general - you can see kids being discredited right now just look around. It’s big he taught you to look after the whole lot. And he for sure loved you guys to death. Big healing, big love - tons of aloha.
President Trump. Lost my fucking religion at that point.
This story concerns war and death, if you want to avoid those kinds of things.
I was 18 years old. I was an Infantryman in the US Army and had been in Afghanistan for a few months, when my platoon responded to an IED strike on another platoon in my company, while they were doing a dismounted patrol.
A guy riding a donkey laden with explosives made his way to the center of their staggered column formation (effectively two spaced out lines on opposite sides of the street), before detonating the explosives. It was particularly effective, because walls on either side forced the column in tighter than normal.
This point begins my memories, which are mostly a disjointed collection of visual snapshots.
The first thing I remember is the smell, which I can’t accurately describe, but burned meat, chemicals, and some kind of feces is the closest I can get. It is easily the clearest part of the memory.
The next thing I remember is seeing the severed foot of the man responsible laying in the middle of the road and my immediate and overwhelming impulse was to kick it, since it was the only tangible evidence of a ‘responsible’ party. There were also two generally recognizable bodies in the ditch, as well as several casualties receiving medical care.
From this point it is a series of vignettes. One, I was setting down my radio pack and very clearly telling the lieutenant where it was, since the medics needed extra hands. Another is seeing one of the casualties smoking a cigarette. The last, and clearest visual memory was holding the hand of one of the casualties as we waited for the medevac bird, and trying to keep the mood light be telling him “hey, at least you don’t have to walk back to base”. I have no clue if he responded.
I have absolutely no memories following that day, for probably months, until another, somewhat less traumatic situation took place.
But yeah, that is the day that pretty much all of my emotions died. On my wedding day, I felt just a flicker of happiness. The only emotion I feel with any intensity whatsoever is occasionally anger.
That’s about all, I’m willing to answer questions of anyone is curious.
When I was 6 years old, an older kid pressured me into smoking a cigarette. I didn’t get sick or anything. I just didn’t like it and decided one was enough. Never knew the best decision of my life would be made at that age.
I used the toilet earlier.
Was it good?
As someone currently using the toilet let me tell you.
It’s pretty ok.
10/10 - would recommend =)?
Hahaha! Didn’t see that last bit. Just remember don’t sit there for too long at least so says reddit or you will die of hemmeroidal overdose.
9/11/2001.
Were you there, or elsewhere?
Nah, elsewhere. Sitting in class, watching one plane hit the building on repeat (teacher brought in a television and put the news on). For a few months we kept being told that Islam is a religion of hate. Piqued my interested in learning about Islam because I thought to myself, “how can a hateful religion even exist today?”. Boy o’boy, 9/11 was both a disaster and a blessing, that’s all I can say.
Hey, glad you found yourself. while I don’ practice Islam, the peeps I know who do have a lot of drive for the family. And I believe they showed that collectivism is far less lonely than individualism. And ritual helps with stability. So I hope you found that and more on your journey =)
Dead, burnt, and blown up kids in Afghanistan. I’m an atheist now. I wish people didn’t need first hand experience to change their minds, myself included.
I don’t believe we had any right to be there. While I don’t know too many war veterans, a handful I met were absolutely head fucked from going to war. They went in wanting money for school, and they came out feeling like they got scammed all the way. Or fucked up permanently from some accident. Only one I ever met who was a decent human being that wasn’t bitter was a cop. And I swear to god he walked the line because he was a cop. And 10/10 he was a good guy. But I would hate everything. I would scorch the Earth around me and walk with tears. I come from a military family, but was so very gay. Which stopped me from enlisting. And I am so thankful that my queer ass stayed out because I for sure would have been destroyed had I enlisted. Big hugs, and big sorrows. If you have the ability and the heart, you should find a way to spread your story. Through some kind of publication. Something that can be documented. Perhaps not now, but even when you’re older (I know a lot of people tend to share their stories that could get them in trouble later in life to sort of gloss over mitigation). They’re important to share, because you witness the atrocities of man. I didn’t grow up during the AIDS crisis, but in hearing the stories passed on it really changed my feelings about the world and the way it works. I am still moved by the stories, as I am moved by yours. So I hope you get a chance to share on a larger scale at some point in your life. And that it doesn’t harm you too much in doing so. Safe healing, tender heart.
Thank you.
Of course, hang in there <3~
Yeah, my MIL was Irish catholic, but she (and by extension, my wife) lost religion after my wife dealt with some horrific health issues as a child/teen. MIL had to watch my wife go through the horribly painful health issues for literal years, while being entirely unable to help.
At first she prayed, then as time went on she begged and tried bargaining… And eventually she fell into the epicurean paradox of “a truly benevolent god would never force this on a child.”
Nothing yet, unfortunately. I’ve been in trouble so many times. I never learn.
I’m almost afraid to type this, but I think it’s gonna take a serious incident to change me.
I’m not violent, I’m not a thief, I’m not a pervert. I refuse to hurt, or put anyone at risk of being hurt. I just make dumb decisions that affect me.
Me too and got my diagnosis which at least put those incidents into perspective and gave me help that would actually make a difference instead of just trying to judge myself into “being better” or “normal”.
Y, every piece I get of the puzzle better helps understand why I couldn’t just be a “good little girl” so to speak. Nothing is written in a language I totally get and I am just trying my best to squiggle my way through life as a whole. One big thing I can say though, is that if you don’t understand certain things you can always ask for further clarification. Write everything down that’s important, because it could be gone in the blink of an eye. And don’t let people take the reigns of your health. Advocate for yourself, and know that you’re just one of a billion folks they see so your meet ups are way more important to you than them. Even if they’re big old bleeding heart types (which is rare because it’s pretty counter the skeptical analytical process necessary to work in the medical field).
If you find that you’re having trouble always making “dumb” decisions you might want to get yourself checked out for ADHD. Because I myself have it, and medicated and unmediated isn’t a SEA of difference, but it does help. Likewise, someone I know also has it and really harmed themselves with their impulse control. They kept pushing it further and further - until like you said. They’re also medicated now, and while they still need to push it (I think it’s hardwired) - their level of what pushing it is has come down dramatically.
I had a wife die from lung cancer over a ~nine month period. Cared for her etc as best I could. When they die, some part of you goes with them. I’m still alive, but not entirely. That was ten plus years ago now and I’ve remarried etc since, but I’ve taken some damage.
I understand the username now. That’s rough. Good luck to you in your future.
Thank you.
One time I shit my pants at a baseball game
Hotdogs are deadly weapons in the hands of those not-prepared. I have def chucked a dog or two. No worries, shitting your pants is embarrassing but you more than likely did it because you were sick. And bodies dgaf about social scenarios if they’re unwell.
I was like 5 and went up to the pitcher (little league game) and just took my pants down and started shitting interrupting the whole game while everyone in attendance was forced to gaze upon me shitting my pants. Will never know why I did that.
What is that thing called? The Call of the Void? You just answered it. Hahaha! You know, at the end of the day, at least your weekends were free? I still vote you were sick though. Could even have been anxiety. Hope you’ve given yourself some space and tlc over it.
i laugh about it since i stopped an entire ball game to make them watch me shit myself
Hahaha, that’s awesome =) Way healthy response to a shitty situation =P
I mean, my dad dying when I was a preteen, is the thing that stands out. Pretty much everything that’s happened since then has been shaped by his death in some way, everything from my philosophy and politics, to my material hardships, to my heroes and role models, to the way I clean my teeth, to the places I’ve been and people I’ve met and media I’ve enjoyed, and even to the ways I relate to gender, family, work, nationality and language, and society in general, and that’s certainly not an exhaustive list, and all of these things go into each other as well.
I’m not sure if something so profoundly impactful on every facet of one’s life can be described as “for better or worse”, though, rather than that it simply is what it is…
you piqued my curiosity with the teeth thing, what’s that?
To spare the more morbid details, I somehow got it into my head that my dad died because he’d been “poisoned by accidentally swallowing mouthwash”. And so I stopped using mouthwash because I was scared that it would kill me “too”. Eventually this came up in conversation with my mom, and she told me that I was mistaken — but I just never really got back into using mouthwash despite that reassurance. I think a part of this was just that I associated mouthwash with my dad so strongly that using it without him was too uncomfortable.
It’s funny what small details kids latch onto and carry with them for the rest of their lives. If it helps, you should check out the song “What about Mouthwash?” by the late Trevor Moore
I stuck my dick in crazy.
Life pro tip: don’t stick your dick in crazy. Just avoid crazy altogether.
In my defense, I was 20, she was the first person I ever had sex with, and I was too horribly depressed to recognize what a bad idea it was.
I also stuck my dick in crazy. Terrible idea. The main problem was that I was too dumb/dense to see the red flags, one of them being my mom, of all people, not liking her.
It was good sex, I was her first, but I didn’t want to make it anything other than some no-commitment flings. Once I started a proper relationship with another woman later, crazy stalked my gf online, full of threats. Crazy ended up in a psychiatric ward about a month later and her mother called me, asking me to “please go visit her, she loves you from the bottom of her heart”.
Against my better judgement, I actually went. The place looked like an insane asylum that should’ve been force-closed decades ago. Horrible smell, filthy, the inmates (dunno if that’s the correct term, but feels appropriate) pretty much relied on relatives for any hygiene. Crazy hugged me, but I was just so appalled with the place I didn’t even know how to react. She got out about a week later and her mom was still trying to play cupid, saying she was much better now and wouldn’t skip her meds anymore, but I told her I was happy with my girlfriend and blocked her.
Leaving aside the low hanging fruit that is my gender surgeries, the real answer is probably the covid pandemic.
I’ve been pretty resilient most of my life, but I kinda fell apart when covid took away all of my social connections and coping mechanisms. It was the lowest I’ve ever been.
It takes a few years to really reinvent yourself after a major social inversion. I did okay after ~5 years even with near total isolation. Daily exercise is absolutely vital for the endorphin balance.
That was part of my trouble. I love running, and I got pneumonia (but not covid) right at the beginning of the pandemic, and it took me about a year to recover from that. On top of that, I would regularly run parkrun, and play roller derby, but they both got shut down too.
All coping mechanisms that I lost access to…
It’s all back now, and even though fitness wise, I’m not back where I was, I’m getting closer every day
Big sads, do you feel like you gained your network back? Or is it still limping since pre-Covid days? Also, if you believe in these concepts and feel like sharing - do you consider yourself more of an introvert or an extrovert?
Also as a whole, have you found that your social network differs wildly from cis individuals? By that I mean, when I came out I lost a significant chunk of my own. And in living most of what I have now is either reclaimed (reunited in time) or self-gathered (found-family).
Big love, soul sister!
I’m a raging extrovert, and aside from workmates, I don’t think I have any cishet people in my regular circles.
I’ve got social circles again now, post covid, but they’re not the same as they were before covid. The local queer community used to have lots of events, and that used to be my connection to queer folks closer to my age, but a lot of that has dried up and then restarted, but now with a younger focus. And whilst I’m happy to be the elder queer who transitioned ages ago, it’s not so great for connecting with folk of my own generation.
But I still have lots of friends from then.
I used to play roller derby, and that’s gone from my life now (too old to start again), but I still love my running, and I’m a parkrun regular, which brings me around lots of people every week.
Work also gives me a lot of my extrovert social outlet needs :)
Haha! I realized I forgot to see if you had responded or not. Sneaking back. Sneakily. I’m glad you got the lot back, even if the faces have changed. Queers of all ages need assistance, flowing up and down - because it’s not like we work with a solid roadmap. We’re just like…really, really good improvisers =P!
Yoooo, to hard - you go so damn hard! Hahaha! You’re a roller-derbier? My rail thin ex would play, she got into it after that one movie with Elliot Page. Even though we’re worlds apart it’s comforting to know she’s out there kicking people’s asses (and could kick mine, if she needed). You guys are pretty much the coolest, hardest women alive. So kudos. Also on the park running. My partner just keeps moving us to more and more rural spaces. I think it’s driving me batty, but I love her like business. NGL though, I keep nudging her back towards the cities. Cause mama need that social cheese! But I am thankful I’ve got a handful of love bugs that I hope to carry with me for the rest of my time on this planet that keep me a float with all their loving.
It’s funny though, between you me (and the world I guess…hi!) I would have hands-down classified myself as an extrovert. A ravenous one as well. But to be honest, I spent the first x-odd years of my life not saying a thing. Then when I came out, people said I’d never get gals if I didn’t open my mouth. And so I freakin’ sang. I’m still a total cheese, but things have changed as I’ve gotten older. I’ve been thinking about classifying myself as a social introvert instead. But also, and this is the part that still kinda smarts, I’ve been battling a shitty-kake of thing that has really affected my energy levels. Like, you wake up and you never know what level your pain is going to be at or if your body is going to co-operate or not. And it’s really affected the way I interact with others on the whole, because it takes so much more effort to reach that base “me.” But before? I was a tour-de-force. Which kinda is what makes things stink. But I also have been practicing some big-time radical acceptance and haven’t been peeling off my face for stuff that’s outta my control you know? Like, it is what it is. And that helps with a lot of things.
But also, I guess on the cheekier side of things (muwhaha) I get some smiles over the fact that I got to live my big queerventure and have gotten to love so many fantastic people and hear their stories and share moments with them. And like, a lot of people don’t even get a taste of that. So I am really thankful for that, and in that sense it really puts a smile on my face no matter what happens in the end. I mean, also I’ve got a gal who loves me, and is sticking with me through all this crunchy shit. So that’s cool too =)!
p.s. - Big love soul sister <3~!
Seeing my first overdose and subsequent passing. I was 3 days into being homeless. It sadly got easier seeing it happen more and more often. At the time I knew it wasn’t something good, obviously, but I didn’t really react until much later. Out of all the horrible times I’ve ever gone through… that image of what a human body does as it’s dying… @#£&. It’s not good.
Know someone who died three times. They’re stone sober now, but it truly is awful. I mean in general. It’s all freakin’ awful. I was trying to think about solutions for those in active addiction. We can’t keep treating people like stray dogs. It’s absolutely horrible, especially for those who can’t hold their own (I am thinking here heavily on gender, but I know there’s other layers because the game is hard in the streets and you get absolutely wrecked being soft). I hope you’re in a better place now. And you’re able to maintain your addiction in some sort of way. There’s support groups out there just waiting for your stories. I personally think they’re safer over the phone, because it’s my take that certain people prey on others. As a friend of mine went to rehab and came out doing worse than going in. But all things aside, just glad you’re still here. Keep the peace!
I’m not addicted to anything nor was I.
Apologies - I read that as - you saw an OD and then three days later ODED yourself. Because often - when you’re in an area that people are ODing - you yourself are at a higher risk of it too. But yeah, I went back and saw how I read what I read - but also see what you’re saying and it’s solid that you were on the streets but never got addicted to anything because it’s super easy. And it really takes some solid conviction to keep yourself safe in a space where you’re vulnerable on all sides. I hope you’re in a better place now, regardless.
Aye, I didn’t mean to sound cross on my response to your post. Thanks for clarifying and I apologize for being, at the very least, short with the response I gave you. I appreciate it and yes, I’m definitely stabilized with housing now. 🤟
F YEAH! It’s getting from that shaky part to the stable one that’s the hardest. No worries, look I don’t know your life you know? You’ve clearly been through some shit, and it can get people super dee-duper defensive super fast. Cause I know I sure as hell am reactive. But also, you know - I read it wrong and this is al text. You good! Thank you for the apology though, I apologize too - cause I def made some assumptions. Big love <3~!
Thank you so much 🤙
