I used to be good at time management and very motivated in my career. Then about two years ago I lost a close friend over a strong disagreement and then lost my job.
Slowly but surely I became a bit depressed and had some physical health issues. I’m seeing a therapist already, and a few months ago I finally managed to get a plebe job at a retailer, but when it comes to doing my personal work that would open doors in my industry I just can’t seem to find the time and motivation to do it.
Don’t get me wrong. I got plenty of time available, I just find myself being ridiculously avoidant or distracted or tired, you get the idea. And, no, I don’t use social media much, I don’t videogame or binge shows. I just get distracted with house chores or simply overthinking.
I’ve already tried lists, planning and goal setting ( all this comes naturally to me), but it makes no difference.
I’ve tried reducing the expectations and goals, no difference. I still don’t do anything.
I tried apps to keep track of my progress; also useless.
I’ve even considered finding a life coach, but I get the feeling they’re a scam. Unfortunately I don’t have any friends or relatives that can help me stay on track with my goals.
TLDR I’m getting a bit desperate here. Any suggestions welcome. Thanks.
Separate your main goals into a list of more manageable tasks, arrange them by orders/priorities/delendencies and try to set a reasonable due date on the first tasks, but don’t push yourself too hard or you’ll get discouraged. It’s also okay to have some downtimes.
Sounds like you’re still working through depression to me. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time to heal and work through things, I’m glad you’ve found a therapist that’s a great step. Do you think you want to go back to the industry or could you be avoiding it subconsciously? Something that has helped me a lot is journaling, you can wipe down your goals and break them down into smaller goals if needed.
I know I want to go back, what I’m not sure about is the precise reason behind the avoidance. Because I am absolutely avoiding it.
Something to talk to your therapist about maybe. Definitely focus on yourself as your priority though. Do things which make you happy, exercise, seeing friends / family, spending time outside.
This is the main reason I’m going to therapy, of course this is in the menu
They only advice I can give you is there is no trick or fix. You are going to fail and that is okay. You have to think of it like a mussle. You don’t start with 600 lbs weights. You start at like a 6 lbs weights and work your mussles up.
Building focus is the same way create very small goals maybe it’s write one paragraph of your resume then stop. You built up your motivation mussle just a little bit.Then when that becomes a habit add more goals and maybe bigger goals as you go along.
The biggest issue I find is people make goals around results and sometimes those results are not in your control. So people think they failed their goal and got discouraged but framing your goals about what you are doing keeps you going. As you celebrate the accomplishment of the journey of doing not achieving as that is just a byproduct of what you are doing.
Muscle*
Can one of our available scientists please confirm how much lbs a mussle can bench-press?
What do you give a shit about?
Perhaps it’s not procrastinating, but instead it’s executive dysfunction. Or not but from someone who has really bad executive dysfunction, that kinda sounds like it.
Perhaps talk to your therapist about that, and perhaps some research as lots of times people with executive dysfunction think it’s just procrastination which are two separate things.
I’ll look into this as I’m not familiar with it. Cheers
I don’t believe you’re spending all your time “overthinking” or “doing chores”. Stop bullshitting yourself. Try harder.
You accomplish years and years of intense, highly productive and rewarding work then this happens. It’s not about puckering up. Be curious. People have stated things like “depression” and “executive dysfunction”. You can look these up, there are plenty of resources.
I used to think like you before this happened to me. I’ll try harder nonetheless
Reading the book “Atomic Habits” helped me.
Imo, guilt and/or fear is holding you back from the industry. Forgive yourself and everything else about the past situation somehow. Every job has the potential to be different even in the same industry. There are a lot of books and techniques that help to process blame, guilt and fear. This and what everyone else is saying.
I agree with you. My problem isn’t rational understanding of what’s happening to me but actually finding a method to get over it. To make an analogy, knowing what disease you have doesn’t make it go away.
I sent you one that I use probably everyday. It’s amazing how we make decisions that our brains try to help with, but gets messed up because they conflict. Your therapist should be able to help with more.
Thank you, I’ll give it a try!
This is depression. Right now, it is no one’s job to worry about your effectiveness in performance and absolutely not to pass judgement on yourself for those considerations. It is your job to work with your therapist, heal, and self empathize. Try to remember that depression is not something you have but something you lack. Depression usually presents as a lack of motivation. So, focus on you and fuck anyone EVERYONE who says otherwise. If it needs to then productivity will come. And if not, who cares?! You do you cuz!
Okay, how do I focus on me? I’m trying to, I’ve signed up for some activities, I sometimes turn down work shifts if I feel tired or just not in the mood. But I’m still missing the motivation
one must be careful not to sabotage the slef. it will become very angry
one cannot reason with the slef, the slef merely knows what it does and charges through all obstacles before it, like the single-minded demented humunculus it is
slef is the mind killer
Don’t sabotage Slef. He’s a good dude, who’s had a hard life.
In all seriousness, though, I’d love an answer to this as well. It’s hard once you find yourself in a cycle of procrastination. You get used to allowing yourself to put things off, and it makes it harder to get back into the habit of doing them right when you should.
A few things that help me:
Do it right now. Remember that you left that important thing in the car? Haul your ass out there and get it now, because it gets trampled under foot and lost. Eat a bowl of cereal? Wash the bowl now, not later. Later doesn’t ever get here. There’s always more later when you think later is going to be.
Meditation. Try it. If nothing else, you get a nice little break from whatever your normal routine is, which in itself can help you shake things up. 5 minutes of deep breathing and focus can do wonders. I’m not great at meditating, and sometimes I wonder if I’m even actually doing it, but 5 minutes of breathing is better than not doing 5 minutes of breathing.
Set really small goals. Like, ridiculously sillily small goals. Goals you’d set for a small child. It will feel silly, and childish, and you maybe will feel embarrassed about it, but “I will brush my teeth” or “I will clean that dish” or “I will wash my face”
They’re things you’re going to do anyway, but turning them into a goal gives you a sense of accomplishment, and allows you to get into a habit of completing goals. Gradually increase the goals, and gamify life. It makes you feel accomplished, gives you a sense of progression, and helps to set a pattern you can use going forward.
I hope these things help, or that you find something that does.
To some extent I’m already doing some of these things and it’s not hard to do house chores and personal hygiene (fortunately. I guess one can always get worse). My problem is specific to one area (career) and everything ties into it.
I’ll try the meditation. I’m not convinced though. If you have any recommendations, shoot them. I used to do meditation for a while years ago and it felt like a waste of time, but, I’ll admit back then I had none of these problems.
When I went back to college with a new baby, a 2 year old and at times being the sole income for my family, I attended the free yoga courses offered at the school and found that was incredible for managing the stress I knew I had and the stress I didn’t realize I was carrying with me. Plus you can approach yoga as “improving your flexibility” in addition to stress management
The small goals part isn’t about setting goals you currently need in addition to what you’re already doing. It’s about setting goals you know you can reach with minimal or no effort. By doing that, you create a pattern of “winning,” of achieving. It can help translate into other areas by tricking your brain into wanting to set more and more goals.
And career specifically is a tough one. Hygiene and food and shelter is all natural to us, but going out and working in an office or for a boss isn’t the natural state of the human animal. It’s something cultural we created for ourselves, and as such it can be a harder area to push yourself into in a lot of ways. It takes a different part of the brain, y’know?
Depression’s a helluva drug, and it can make everything seem terribly difficult, but when it finds one area to really fuck you in, it can be so horrible to find any motivation. Especially in those areas that are outside of our evolutionary instincts. Have you considered speaking with a professional about medication? The meditation and the gamifying and such have helped me some, at the advice of a shrink, but medication is what got me through my early 20s. I’d be dead today without it.
I’m sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but I’ll give my perspective anyway.
Why do you care about getting “back in your industry/career”? Yeah you did it previously, but is it really what makes you happy?
When you have goals, you always think “once I reach this, everything will be better”. In my experience and with everyone I ever talked with, this was never the lasting case. Reaching some nice goal gave satisfaction for days or sometimes even weeks or months, but never longer. Then it was back to dissatisfaction and another goal.
The common path frequently described out of depression is getting back into the groove of setting goals, following them, not being satisfied, setting another goal, repeat. This is not how I got out of my depression and also not a good life.
I don’t think it’s important that you reach your goal of getting back in your industry or whatever. I think it’s important that you’re fine with not reaching it. I think it’s important to recognize that you can be happy and satisfied right where you are, exactly with what you have.
Fair take.
That sounds like depression, executive dysfunction or some other brain dopamine issue. No amount of lists or “trying harder” (😂🙄) is going to help. Speak to a doctor about it.
Slef
I’ve even considered finding a life coach, but I get the feeling they’re a scam.
Yes, I agree.
But it sounds like you’re experiencing depression. I’ve been through a lot of that. Consider seeing a psychiatrist and getting on an antidepressant. I was in denial about my state for months (because admitting it would make it real) and finally got back on an antidepressant after years without. The change was so profound that I wish I’d done so sooner to spare myself the suffering. I wish you the best!
Thanks, though the professionals I’ve seen recommended against medication.
My mum’s a child psychotherapist, from her perspective medication aught not to be the first thing people jump at, but it very much has it’s place; an example being children with ADHD who literally cannot sit down to the point of them getting distressed, actually being able to sit down and engage with therapy after starting medication. Similar things with anxiety and depression, if anxiety holds you back from opening up and personal thoughts and feelings then medication can enable that for therapeutic work to begin.
The bigger issue she has is when people (often parents) only want the medication but don’t want to try and engage with the therapy.
Just something to think about
