Would more men be open to going to therapy if they had resources tailored specifically for them, and if the office had Emotional Support Animals for appointment use?
This is purely anecdotal of course, but most of my (male) friends and family members who resist going to therapy aren’t really turned off because of access to a specific service tailored for them or not; they’re “turned off” from it largely because of the social perception of men going to therapy in general.
What I mean to say is, no, I don’t think we need more therapy “tailored” towards men, all (decent) therapists already specifically try to bend their particular therapy-ing style to match their client, regardless of gender. We need to change the perception of what it means to get therapy (at least in my opinion).
Wow, I’m seeing a lot of strong anti-therapy vibes here, so I’ll pitch in my two cents.
Therapy is a great tool, if you go into it with clear expectations and you can stomach the cost- both in time and money. Some insurance providers cover it, some don’t, but either way if you don’t have a therapist that you vibe with, you need to be willing to swap around until you find someone that fits you. Note, however, that there’s a big difference between a therapist that is right for you, and one that just doesn’t challenge you.
My experience with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been really positive; my first therapist that I really got along with professionally was a great teacher, I really learned how to unpack things that I was feeling in the moment. He helped teach me tools to alleviate the intensity of moments that seemed dire, and to then reflect on why they felt that way, afterwards.
There’s a lot of people who think that it’s supposed to magically fix you, and no, it’s not. It’s work. Genuinely some of the hardest work I’ve done has been applications of the stuff I’ve learned in therapy. But, while I recognize that with stuff like chronic depression, true cures are rare-to-impossible, I’ve got a much better handle on my negative thoughts and self-esteem than I had pre-therapy. It’s been a tremendous help.
I think more tools for people in general would be incredible - the work of normalizing therapy has come a long way, but still it has even further to go. I think the biggest barrier is always cost, and in a perfect world we’d treat both sickness of the mind and body free for everyone.
These issues are so big, therapy isn’t gonna be viable. Men have specific and painful societal issues. In the longterm, we need to change the way we socialize boys. The way we talk about expectations of their role, the way we talk about patriarchy and masculinity. There’s a lot of toxic masculinity, and far too little positive masculinity. Boys need far better role models than they currently have (youtubers? music artists - rappers? politicians?). Men of all ages need more third places to make friends, and date without apps that are frankly designed to make insecure men feel less valuable than women.
Would men be open to therapy? Maybe, but not all of them need it. Most men can point exactly towards what in society is peeving them. The system needs to change, rather than the individual.
system needs to change, rather than the individual.
We can all agree; meanwhile nobody does anything… The individual can try to adapt using available resources as to not develop or try dealing with issues: spirituality and evidence-based therapy is a good start, and I believe that should be taught since childhood.
Therapy is never a cure. If you have a problem then therapy can help you confront it and deal with it, but if we have a massive society-wide mental health crisis it will not be solved by each man individually seeking therapy.
We need meaning in our lives, something worth dedicating ourselves to, and the means to pursue it. Mercenary capitalism won’t provide that.
In short, I don’t see an answer. I think it will get worse.
Addendum:
Most importantly, this new wave of mental health problems is not caused by a new wave of “not being vulnerable.” It’s a societal issue and must be confronted there, not shunted onto each individual man.
Therapy gives you the tools to help achieve that. You are completely underestimating it.
If it’s one big cause that applies to millions, then no, individual therapy cannot fix that massive problem.
Yeah that’s true. There’s just not enough therapists.
Even if there were enough therapists, and even if they could actually help, you’re still talking about fixing mental problems instead of preventing them.
It does prevent them
If these mental problems arise from the living conditions of the masses, no amount of therapy can prevent them. Many that seem incurable might just be failing to escape psyche-wrecking situations.
Do you wanna cure cancer, solve global warming, and solve global hunger too while you’re at it? Yeah I’d love to live in a magical perfect world too.
Therapy costs money. There aren’t really enough therapists in the market to get help to everyone that needs it, so the resources are “rationed” to people that have the most money. Even if the resources were tailored towards men (and I’m unclear how taht would be different from any other patient-centered therapy?), unless more men had the resources to pay for therapy, it’s not likely to make a difference.
Moreover, as someone else said, many of the things that are causing anxiety and depression in general–not just in men–are not things that can be solved with therapy. Therapy can’t make you feel better about climate collapse, for instance, or seeing your ability to afford housing spiraling out of control.
One reason I dont want to do therapy is simple paranoia. Anything you tell your therapist can be subpoenad by a court. That alone is enough to keep me from trusting a therapist with anything of substance.
That said, anything in my life that might motivate me to do something that would land me in court is probably something I should see a therapist about.
Truth is, I’m unlikely to do anything that would land me in court, so I should probably see a therapist about this paranoia.
Maybe you’re really a bit paranoid. I don’t think those doctors will give away your secrets easily. They’ll fight and have a lawyer on their own and try to make it impossible. Their job demands trust from their patients.
And the court isn’t supposed to ignore your rights either, unless it somehow fits the crime. So you should be completely fine if it’s some lesser crime dealing with drugs, stealing or something like that.
And isn’t this hearsay anyways?
This may change if somebody’s life is on the line. But then you’re probably really a criminal and deserve to be prosecuted.
Still, you could ask your therapist not to write anything down. There is nothing to be requested if it doesn’t exist in the first place.
(Maybe there are a few exceptions nowadays since this culture war in the US took off.)
In my jurisdiction therapists are mandatory reporters, and suicide is a crime. So telling a therapist you attempted suicide could literally land you in prison.
May I ask which country?
Direct messaged it to you.
In this economy?
The reason I don’t go to therapy is because of the expense and the horror stories I’ve heard from people I know trying to make appointments and find a good one. My job actually has a free counseling service we can use but everyone I know who tried it says it’s an absolute joke.
As for emotional support animals, I have a dog at home, having one in the office would just be a distraction.
Most of my problem and the dudes I talk to os that we don’t see a way forward to actually improve our lives. We’re stuck in a dead end financially while everything just gets more and more expensive.
I am a man who has been to therapy a few times during my life. I’ll not try to sell it as a be all, end all solution but it can be helpful.
At least as helpful was a men’s support group that I went to while divorcing.
I think the bottom line is that men need to connect with men and talk things out sometimes. However you do that, with friends, at a support group or with a therapist does not really matter. Male isolation is real and that is what we as a society should be very concerned about.
In the US I feel like it’s just as much of an issue of access as it is, perhaps, a stigma that you “aren’t a man” if you go to therapy.
Therapy is expensive, and health care doesn’t always cover it.
The US government can find little space guys, but they can’t find me a good affordable healthcare plan.
The thing is, no one has to know you’re going to therapy. You don’t have to tell anyone and your therapist shouldn’t be talking about you either.
“Where were you? Why do you need time off every single week? Aren’t you going to the dentist a lot? Are you seeing someone else?” People like bosses and spouses don’t take kindly to “my whereabouts are none of your business.”
Often it really is none of their business.
Your employer should not have to know anything more than that you have a medical appointment. Any more is none of their business.
If you don’t want to tell your spouse that you’re seeing a therapist, your spouse may have issues to deal with and your relationship may also need a therapist. But it should be possible to go during work and they should never know.
Best wishes, my friend.
Animals might be a nice feature, but if that is the selling point of the session ibdoubt much will come of it.
Therapy that tries to have me accept the fucked up state of the world is a non starter.
I would rather die than participate, enable, or support a corrupt and mal-guided society.
Honestly i do not think there is any hope for me. I can not trust anyone, so therapy isnt going to work. The only way for me to escape is death.
I mean, you don’t have to accept the current state of the world as good or natural because of therapy
Honestly, the world seems like it’s always been a brutal place. Nature is fucked and most things die being eaten alive.
But you’d probably have to accept the state of the world is currently happening and that should be accepted becw, well, it is, regardless of good or bad.
Give it a try homie, talking things out with a professional can give you perspective of your own opinions and how they are formed, and how to process them in a way that is helpful.
It sounds like you don’t want to accept anything that might suggest your opinions or beliefs may not be 100% correct, or that someone else might be “more right” than you - which doesn’t sound healthy.
Therapy isn’t some trick, it should help you understand and accept your own limits as a human, healthy boundaries with others, how to begin trusting people or how to identify those who are more likely to be trustworthy, and give you better understanding of your own agency and how to let go of things that are beyond your control, or individual abilities to influence/change.
No amount of therapy with teams of the world’s greatest therapists will matter if you don’t want to understand and grow into a better version of yourself though!
My life is evidence hunanity is evil by nature, deed, and desire.
I have been exploited and betrayed by family, friend, coworker, teammate, manger, etc.
There is no one i trust in this world because everyone i did trust, broke that trust to steal from me.
I have no desire to help or enable such a species.
Humanity has shown me its true nature, and my concious soul is revolted.
Death is the only way to move beyond the pain, suffering, and evil of this existence.
Even if you have been greatly wronged by everyone you trust, that doesn’t necessarily mean you were ever even around trustworthy people. So personal experience may feel like the only reality or truth but once you realize that it’s only true specifically for you and only up to this point, you might be able to understand its not a universal rule or experience.
There’s so much to experience beyond pain, loneliness, distrust and suffering (outside of incurable medical pain)
It does exist and it is available to you, but when anyone has their trust destroyed beyond repair multiple times it will take work to let the pain go and look inward and forward to get what you want out of life.
For all I know, you’re the asshole in everyone else’s life and you blame them for breaking your trust - or you are a complete victim who has been taken advantage of every step of the way and it’s impossible to conceive of a person existing who isn’t working every angle to take advantage of you.
You do have agency and you can control how you think and feel about most things. It sounds like you are convinced that life only exists in a single, permanent, unchangeable state - and if you don’t attempt any change in this perspective it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.
But once you realize the control you can exert over these thoughts and perspectives you’ll hopefully realize that despite other people, when you’re an adult life is what you make of it, not what it makes of you.
It does take monumental, constant effort. Especially compared to how easy it is to give up/admit defeat/believe things are permanent and unchangeable. Doubly so if that’s the mental state you’re already in.
Therapy can give you the tools to climb the mountain, but it’s not gonna move your arms and legs up the mountain for you.
I’m a woman but due to my interests in traditionally masculine activities and general disinterest in conventional gendered behaviours, I hang around a lot of men. Most of my close friends have been men. From my experience, if men want to improve their mental health then they need to develop a better relationship with vulnerability and the shame they’ve been conditioned to feel around that.
Mental health stigma exists for everyone and as a society we need to fuck this right off. Mental health challenges are part of the human experience in the same way physical illnesses are and we need to support people accordingly. I’ve noticed that a lot of men tend to have issues with expressing their feelings out of fear of being vulnerable. The outdated myth that men are less emotional really doesn’t help this situation either. This can also create barriers for men in seeking mental health support, both formal and informal.
It needs to more okay for men to be vulnerable. All people are vulnerable and it doesn’t make you weak. All people need support at some point in their lives. Emotions are really hard and it’s better to recognise and acknowledge them than it is to push them down. Expressing vulnerability and overcoming difficult feelings shows bravery and strength.
Every single man I know tells his version of the same story: You confide in a woman, you tell her something you’re upset about, something you’re insecure about, you open up…and she uses it as a weapon against you the next time she’s angry. She wasn’t offering her support, she was arming herself.
Women talk a big game about wanting men to be more emotional, more vulnerable, more open. They love pretending this about themselves. A man saying emotion words is their favorite TV show, but it seems like it never airs. I’ve had girls throw weird little tantrums because I was frustratingly okay. If there wasn’t anything wrong with me, she was going to BE the thing wrong with me. Then I’ll have to talk about my feelings with her.
…until he actually does. Then it’s time to throw his clothes out the window while screaming about “emotional labor.” She shouldn’t be expected to handle his emotions for him. How dare he burden her in such a way?
Most men have learned this lesson by the time he’s figured out how to have orgasms on purpose. He knows not to open up to a woman the same way he knows not to headbutt a cactus. All it’s going to do is make his whole week suck more.
I think you’re confusing vulnerability with emotional dumping. Vulnerability is admitting you’re afraid of women and working on that. Emotional dumping is merely expressing all your negative emotions and expecting someone else to do something about it.
My god, this right here.
Never tell a woman what you’re thinking, it never ends well. If there are women that don’t use it as a weapon, I’ve never encountered her or heard a friend that has.
I have a long term relationship for almost 20 years that works fine because I just keep my problems to myself and work them out. And be there for her to tell me about her problems and don’t try to fix anything. Every time I’ve tried, it’s backfired.
I don’t know what it’s like in the rest of the world, but I always hear how many people seek a therapist, but can’t find one. I don’t even know if there’s something wrong with me, but I’m interested in finding out. But I don’t think it’s bad enough to warrant to “steal” a spot for somebody who actually needs it, just for interest sake. (Could be the “man” in me talking though, saying “I’m fine”)
Men, in general, are perfectly mentally healthy. There are men who suffer from such things as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder–these men require medical treatment for these disorders as much as I require glasses for my myopia. These are medical problems that require medical solutions.
I am not one of those men. I’m one of the many men who operates under a constant layer of depression, anxiety and anger. For men like me, “Therapy” is pretty much a scam. What’s the difference between going to see a “therapist” and going to a fortune teller to read some tarot cards? It costs a lot, insurance won’t pay for it, it takes up a lot of time, and nothing about your situation is ever improved. I’m depressed and anxious and angry because society by and large doesn’t work. The rich are ruining the world for the rest of us out of sheer greed. I’m a widely skilled man, I’m an auto mechanic, a carpenter, a pilot, a programmer…I’ve never had a job that paid all of my bills. And there is nothing.
Nothing.
NOTHING.
NOTHING!!!
that a master’s degree in a tweed jacket can write on a legal pad that will fix that.
“Resources tailored specifically for them” What “resources?” They ain’t got no “resources.” They’ve got a box of tissues and a stack of board games for the neglected/abused children they have to handle. They don’t have a July that isn’t the hottest on record, health insurance that pays for eye glasses, or stable food prices in there.
Talking about “emotional support animals” makes me think that this is a question of marketing. Therapy for MenTM where the therapist wears flannel and a bushy beard with a waxed mustache, the whole place is wood paneled, there’s pictures of axes on the walls, all the furniture is brown leather. Focus groups have shown this is effective for marketing hygiene products, kitchen implements, clothes and alcohol to men, maybe it’ll work for mental health counseling.
Yup.
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Disclaimer at the beginning, my reply is purely anecdotal and based on my own life and experiences. I can’t speak for everyone else.
I really don’t think that talk therapy is best suited for most men. Men don’t process emotions, conflict, or fears in the same way that women do. We have been shaped differently by societal norms, and don’t have the same foundation to process our issues simply by talking about them. We have been taught to shut up and deal with situations on our own. Talking about our struggles and asking for help is a sign of weakness, and even if we manage to ask for help, the chances that we will truly open up are slim.
Again, I can only really speak for myself, but for talk therapy to truly be effective it has to be more than just talk. We need a foundation; maybe starting with something like cognitive behavioral therapy to give us the tools to understand how to process our emotions would be a good start. Men are taught to understand and explore only a small handfull of emotions. Anger, jealousy, fear, happiness, and if we’re lucky, love.
I personally have had to do a lot of work on my own self, and my own understanding of my emotional landscape, just to begin to be able to open up. I can honestly say that even if I had spoken with a therapist - and I have had the opportunity to do so - that it probably wouldn’t have been useful to me, at least not in the past. Maybe now it would be useful to talk to a therapist, but in working on myself I feel that I have also learned to move past many of my own issues, or at the very least am on the right path to be able to handle them on my own.
Anyway, that’s my two cents.