Such a long title.
Basically I’m wondering if this happens IRL, and how. I’ve heard countless stories of people who hold a grudge against family members /ex partners/ ex friends/ neighbours etc. for years, and they do horrible things to each other. Or maybe just the cold shoulder can be rough especially for such a long time. But not so many stories of people in these situations who suddenly talk things out unexpectedly, out of their own will and not because they kept getting nagged about whatever happened.
I’ve also heard about people who screw up big once, never acknowledge or apologize, then everyone puts the episode behind and moves on. But I’ve never heard about suddenly this person perhaps decades afterwards just actually addressing their screw up and apologizing.
So, have you ever received one of these big, unexpected apologies? Or have you ever apologized for something you did you never thought you would want or dare to apologize for?
Something I worry about, but haven’t seen anyone mention yet, is that a long-after-the-fact apology seems a little self-serving. I’m the one who feels bad, so I’m going to bring something up again hoping that I feel better about the situation afterwards.
There are people I didn’t treat very well when I was young. When I think about reaching out to apologize I imagine the interaction ending with me feeling better and them feeling shitty again.
Reading this thread, however, it doesn’t look like that’s how this usually goes. So, maybe I should rethink it.
I think it can depend. In many cases people move on from things and they probably aren’t thinking about it, but if they still feel affected then it might be meaningful to them to have it acknowledged.
I agree with you. In my case, I waited until a person I had wronged 30 years before reached out to me on facebook. Her contact gave me the opening to apologize. She claimed to have forgotten the incident, but I don’t think that was true (for complicated reasons). But she accepted my apology.
We became close again for a while, but then she quit returning my calls and I let her be. At least I got to make my peace.
Give it a rethink. Yes it’s true that you are the one feeling bad, but sometimes you worry more about how the other person could feel. Sometimes an apology can help bring closure to someone. But you are right, it may not.
I think I would hate if anyone apologised to me for how they treated me in school, of course I’d have to pretend that it’s ok and accept their apology, act like we’re friends now or something and wish them the best…
Then I’d go and be depressed about it, feel humiliated and annoyed. Probably anxious and uncomfortable too because they’ll be telling people ‘hey remember that kid we used to bully, I saw him and apologised’ maybe they’ll even make a social media post to highlight how great that are now and it’s all ok because they waved their magic word wand and fixed all the compounded psychological issues they caused…
I don’t think you should feel bad for keeping it to yourself, it’s not going to fix anything so what would be the point?
Well, everyone is different so if this is how you would feel about a bully apologizing, I’m sure others also think the same. But I think you are wrong to presume everyone would feel the same way you do. How can you be so sure it’s not going to fix anything for someone else? I recommend you read some of those who actually got an apology.
I also wouldn’t be so sure the ex bully would go around posting on social media this kind of stuff. Apologizing is hard already, I would squirm in shame if I was to admit on Facebook or Instagram that I bullied someone. Sounds embarrassing af even if the post is about the apology. It works on anonymous sites as Lemmy or Reddit though.
There was this girl in my school who was an immigrant and didn’t speak the national language. It was, I believe, second grade. Our whole class, including me, constantly laughed at her, and it was clear she wasn’t enjoying it. She was somewhat of an outsider, never participating in social events, never properly socializing. I left that school the next year, so I didn’t get to see her anymore.
I met her again in high school, six years later. She spoke the national language, integrated properly, and had many friends. I even met her through a mutual friend. We spoke normally at first, simply acknowledging our shared past, but some guilt gnawed at me. It’s not like I couldn’t sleep thinking about how I treated her, but I couldn’t just pretend I’ve always been nice to her. So, one day, I took her to the side… and apologized. She was flustered, she clearly didn’t expect that, nor did she hold a grudge according to her, but I felt way better afterwards.
Edit: spelling
Good on you for trying to make it right. She may not have said it then, but I bet she appreciated it.
I was a bully to the whiny and sensitive kid in my friends group. Everyone kind of poked fun at him so me being a kid, I did the same.
I genuinely apologized to him 10 years later as it was gnawing at me all those years and he didn’t accept it. He told me how the teasing messed up his self esteem and contributed to mental health problems he still deals with.
I felt so unbelievably awful for having that effect on him for all that time that I didn’t know what to say. I figured if I hurt him that much the best thing I can do for him is disappear completely. I haven’t been very social since out of fear of hurting someone like that again. Keeps me up sometimes and I find myself thinking about it when I daydream.
Sorry to hear that’s how it went. Good on you for actually apologizing, I hope he can eventually forgive although it seems that’s going to require a lot of introspection on his side too which isn’t easy. Bear in mind that in spite of what you did, you are not 100% responsible for how things developed on his side. There are so many factors affecting mental health and self esteem. If you’ve truly changed then you will know better than repeating the same mistakes in the future with someone else, so don’t let that hold you back.
I had an ex boyfriend I’d stayed in touch with phone me to say he was now a Christian and part of his new-found faith was contacting people he’d treated badly in the past and apologising. So, he realised now that he had not been a good friend, and he was very sorry for any hurt he’d caused me. I accepted the apology and we chatted a bit.
A few weeks later he called again, this time to ask me to sign an affidavit affirming that he was a good person and had been a good friend to me. This was to support his effort to gain custody of a baby, who may or may not have been his, from his most recent ex, along with her two sons, who definitely weren’t. I said absolutely NOT and told him why. He hung up, and I haven’t heard from him since. Such a great friend, lol.
Wow, that’s incredible… That made me chuckle, but I would have been rather angry in your shoes. Thanks for sharing!
I ran into one of my school bullies a few years later on a walk, didn’t even recognize the guy at first. He did apologize for back then and said he was a dick. Didn’t really do anything for me to be honest, but I accepted it at least and went my way.
One apology I wish I had gotten but never did: I was the designated driver for a friend (and a friend of his), just hanging out, bit of drinking, but I’m not a big fan of bars. It got late and I just wanted to go home at that point, so we got into the car. I was going to drop them off where they wanted and now suddenly my friend (sitting next to me) wanted to pick up and annoy yet another friend of his (detour and I just wanted to drop them off at that point). I said no, I’m not picking up another friend at this point.
When I wanted to do a right turn the guy grabbed the steering wheel and tried to go left towards the other friend. Had to stop the car, luckily we weren’t going fast and it was inside the town. I got pissed, dropped them off where originally agreed upon and drove home. Wasn’t the first time either that he reached over to the steering wheel, but last time he just got annoyed at a dick on the road and used my horn (while I’d have just let it go).
Well, never got an apology, so I just stopped talking with the guy. Years later he wrote me again, we talked a bit and I brought up that I was still annoyed from him grabbing the wheel back then. He thought it’s so long ago, why do I still make a big deal out of it? Super annoying.
Oh man, I despise when people think that shit doesn’t need an apology if time has passed. Time passing doesn’t mean I think youve changed as a person, you need to show that to me, and expecting someone to forgive things when nothing’s been done to repair that is its own problem.
Yep, all it would have taken was a small “Sorry, shouldn’t have done that” and it would be all good. He had a few beers at that point (not super drunk, but a buzz), so even more excusable, not that drinking is an excuse for anything.
Either way, I wouldn’t have trusted him to be in the same car I’m driving at that point. Entitled prick, maybe next time if he wants to stop somewhere random he might pull the handbrake.
He grabbed the steering wheel? That’s so dangerous. I would have kicked him out right there.
Yep, at a T-junction (at night, very low speed, no other cars around), I started turning right, he wanted to go left, pushed the wheel left so we went straight towards a wall. I just hit the brake and stopped. Again, super low speed, so no risk of crashing (if I didn’t slam the gas down), but still insane.
Yay another point for repentant bullies! Thanks for sharing.
Sorry you didn’t get an apology for the wheel grabbing. Sounds like a good riddance imo. Hope it doesn’t stay annoying for too long.
There was someone I was talking to and we were interested in each other. I went to their city to visit and party, ended up going to a bar with them and their friends. I left with and hooked up with their friend.
Years later I was thinking about it for some reason, and how shitty of a thing to do it was to this innocent person who had been so kind and hospitable. I reached out and apologized, telling them it wasn’t their fault and that they deserved better than to be treated that way. I felt very bad about it and wanted to try to reverse any damage it may have caused them and their feeling of self worth. Thankfully they forgave me and said they were in a happy and healthy relationship at that point.
Besides realizing what a shitty person I was, I eventually realized how alcohol affected me and quit drinking. Not blaming the alcohol for my actions because I was 100% lucid, but it sure made making wrong choices easier in the moment.
I’m very accustomed to trying to do this because I remember everyone I’ve wronged and think about things in my past a lot.
I’ve realized however that apologizing doesn’t mean that the person you’ve wronged because of an instance they’ve wronged you before will ever change how they treat you. Even if you two were best friends. I had a very toxic friend in highschool who never owned up to something he did to me and I never really got over it. Instead of moving on I fought back, but looking back I can at least acknowledge he is a narcissist and never wanted me to be happy in the first place. I wronged him by letting my emotions take over, but he was oblivious to the pain he put me or anybody else through. It’s that mantra that keeps me from wanting to fight him again even if it’s been years and years. I want to get over it and I think I can with enough change in my life but God damn I never thought I’d feel that kind of rage.
That’s a very true distinction, apologizing doesn’t necessarily mean the person has changed, but it is a sign that they’ve acknowledged they should have acted differently. I also had a friend who did some very stupid things and I’m sure she’s oblivious to the pain she caused all around her, so I feel you with that one.
Yes.
I met up with my ex for lunch decades back when she came to town on other business. She took me to lunch and apologized for taking me for granted and generally not being a very good girlfriend at the time.
Similarly, my brother called me up one day and took the time to apologize how how he’d acted the whole time we were growing up together and years afterwards.
I think it was more experience and better perspective for the first, and more maturity for the second, that triggered the self-reflection and apologies.
Thanks for sharing! Did these have much of an effect on you, or were you already over the events?
My relationship with my brother really improved after, now we’re on good terms and can trust in mutual respect in our interactions.
With my ex, it really helped me reëvaluate my behavior as a partner; instead of just “what have I done wrong” I now also am mindful of what I have done right, and I was able to carry that forward into my next relationship, which I’ve been in for fourteen years now.
That’s an unexpected silver lining with your ex, I didn’t consider the positive feedback would be so useful, but you’re right. Glad to know things got better for you!
I have never wroged anyone. But seriously, I was a jerk to a coworker a long time ago. Like, for quite a while, not just once. One day, I’m not sure what happened, but I realized that I was being a big jerk and told him I was really sorry. Ever since then I always try to remember that experience and be as kind as possible to others. Like I said, I really don’t know what caused the change, but I’m glad it happened.
Yes, I apologized to a girl for having sex with her 20 years ago and then ghosting her. Then we had sex again and I almost ghosted her again. We concluded that we have great sex but aren’t ment to be together.
Once I slept with my best friends mom and got him an ice cream cake after that said ‘sorry I banged your mom four times last night.’
We don’t talk much anymore.
Great story but it doesn’t fit the timeframe. Maybe if you apologize again in ten years
But how do you keep the ice cream cake from melting over that time?
Well if you can’t keep the cake in the freezer for a decade… I guess you’ll have to apologize for the cake as well. So get two cakes when the moment comes
I have a cousin that’s the same age as I am and we were practically siblings growing up because we lived in the same apartment building and went to the same school. And I was really mean to her during our late teen years. The worst thing I did was stole her IRC chat logs with her bf and shared it with some of our friends. I apologized to her a few years later and we were on good terms since then.
One of my school bullies one day unexpectedly apologized. I had long forgotten about it but we one day met randomly in the city and he suddenly started talking about how he was sorry how he treated me. He genuinely seems to have changed, i was surprised how much he changed for the better actually. But this also goes only for him, there were 2 others and they were much worse.
That’s still good news, 33% less bullies sounds like a win. How did that feel though? Surprising yes but was it a happy moment or more of an awkward mix of feelings?
At the moment i was definitely more surprised and awkward but after some time i realized i was glad he did that, It brings some much needed closure. As i said, he wasn’t always totally awful, he even defended me a few times when he recognized things went too far. Looking at his life afterwards, the way he got into theater, he seems to have made many changes for the better, don’t know what prompted him.
What surprised me was also the way he spoke, his voice almost had a sort of constant tranquility, like he was at peace and wanted to atone for his behavior. But afaik he wasn’t that much into religion to explain it.
But i was also always more angry at the other two, not him as much. I blame them for the social anxiety that plagued me my whole life.
That’s interesting, yes it makes sense that something like that would take some time to process.
You don’t need to be into religion to undergo some kind of change like that. I don’t know this person but acting really puts you in contact emotions and memories, not to mention it surrounds you with a more artistically, open minded crowd which can really influence you, in this case for the better. But maybe the trigger was something else entirely…
Sorry about the anxiety, that’s rough. I’ve also hated people for years, it’s a burden. Hope things improve for you
Yep i agree. Partly because of that bullying i had changed schools back then. Then a few years later it so happened that this person joined a folks dance group that another person from my new school here was attending and so i went and saw him at that performance. Even then i noticed he was different, although we didn’t talk. So it’s possible he changed even during those years.
Thank you!
I actually want to apologize to someone, for not being honest when we were 17-19 (we’re both now 27-28).
I always lied whenever she asked me to just hang out. Said I could not or had something else.
Truth is, I never dared because of my dad. I didn’t want him to know that, I was hanging out with a girl. A lot happened in my youth and didn’t want to have another violence experience at home.
That and the fact I just feel awkward around people or on 1 on 1 meetings.
But I feel like it’s been way to long for that apology.
I once had someone explain they were interested in me years ago, and although it wasn’t an apology (which would have been nice to get, he was an absolute dick at times), it helped me recalibrate how I thought about myself.
So I I don’t know about your particular circumstances, it does sound like it’s been too long to apologize for something that can be taken as shyness. But maybe explaining the whys can help this other person, I don’t know.
I received an unexpected apology almost 20 years after the fact. I had long since moved on and had no hard feelings for the person.
Before that apology, I was like most people who thought an apology like that would feel selfish or self-serving for the person giving the apology. Instead, it felt very genuine and weirdly made me feel a little better about humanity. Like, if this person can grow and come out the other side a better, happier person, then more people can too.
