EDIT: Thanks so much everyone. Great answers. This has been fun. Keep it going as long as you want!
DISCLAIMER: Silly Thought Exercise: NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF REPLACING BIDEN. I personally do not think replacing Biden is a good idea at this stage in the election. I think that’s more dangerous than keeping him, sadly, but he’s who we’ve got. I’m just looking for shitposty thoughts on this question, please and thank you.
What-over-the-top absurd person would you choose to replace Biden who you think could actually body Trump, and why?
For an example, my choice would be based on the idea that the only thing that makes a bully like Trump wilt is a bigger bully. Secondly, US citizens love trash talking and sports and absolutely will vote for someone who is already famous, they certainly love their celebrities. Finally, what better sport for trash talk than basketball?
In that, my choice would be basketball legend Larry Bird. (he’s famously apolitical, so it’s hard to know if he would actually be politically aligned against Trump.)
…but, the thing is, Larry Bird is a masterclass trash talker.
And that is really what throws Trump off and throws him into obscene tantrums where his composure is lost and he comes off like a whining loser: when he’s been taken down a peg by someone else. Nothing sticks deeper in his craw. I don’t think he could handle Larry Bird’s level of shit-talk, Bird is like god-tier.
I can imagine Bird calling Trump out and saying he can smell his shit-filled diaper from across the auditorium, obviously Bird would describe more colorfully than I. The thing is, I can also see that absolutely throwing Trump into hysterics.
Also, at 67 Bird’s a fucking spring chicken compared to Biden or Trump.
So, I’m hoping for answers that are a bit silly, like this. Larry Bird is obviously not actually a good choice for this. I just like chuckling at the idea, because real life has gotten so absurd I need to hide in even deeper absurdity.
What’s your absurd Biden replacement? Please, I think we could use some laughs.
Sacha Baron Cohen.
The appeal of Trump’s rhetoric and populist message is entirely subconscious, and doesn’t stand up to even a few moments of critical analysis. Baron Cohen has a genius-level understanding of how to get into people’s heads, and what’s more, he can do it fluently, on-the-fly. His U.S. presidential candidate character would totally dismantle MAGA.
Isn’t he British?
Yes, but he gets so deep into character, he could turn American!
This is fantasy, who cares. Lots of non-US-born people have been suggested and a bunch of fictional people got suggested, so whatever, you know?
I’d take Ali G Inda(White)house.
The guy seems to be able to sweet talk his way in to any room and convince people to do and say the most humiliating things on camera. If him being British become an issue I think he can just act his way out of it and somehow everyone will believe him in spite of it being a publicly known fact.
Idk why but Kelly Clarkson.
Go all in on milking generational divide and do like a Taylor Swift / Kendrick Lamar ticket. I definitely think either of them could do a better job at being president than our current batch of options.
I’ve been watching clips of Tig Notaro standup lately. I think her smack talk would go over Trump’s head (most does that is anything beyond anatomical or golf related, tbf) but I would enjoy her deadpan zingers.
Real answer is any seasoned politician under 60 should be able to talk circles around him. Both sounded bad last night, Trump’s only win was in comparison to Biden’s energy level.
I’ve been trying to watch her show and can’t get into it. I’ll give it another shot.
I watched clips of her on late night shows before I tried getting into any of her standup. Her standup is very dry and deadpan. I haven’t seen her TV show of the fictionalized account of her and her wife getting together, doesn’t really sound like my jam.
To me, she is the epitome of “don’t need a lot of formal education to be wicked smart”.
Oh yeah, Tig’s a great choice, a very measured and cool head in response to his drivel.
I think Weird Al Yankovic would be the perfect opponent. The absurdity of a political debate where Trump spouts absolute nonsense in a perfectly serious manor while Al lays serious facts in the most nonsensical form would be the show of the century and weird Al has better qualifications for the job by trumps standards having maintained cultural relevancy and financial stability for 4 decades. Plus he’s jest super likeable.
He’s also a perfect counterpoint as a healthy representative of the Christian religion. It’s the reason he doesn’t curse in his songs. He’s a good clean, Christian boy!
Would they let him respond to debate questions in song with his accordion? Dear GOD I hope so.
…with Vice President… hang on I’m having trouble reading this… Hot Saucerman? Shock Jockerman? Trick Shotterman? Yacht Rockerman? Who is this guy??
People would just point out that the whole thing is Al generated though.
If he ever makes another album, I think you just named it.
Weird Al - Al Generated
There are days I just want Terry Crews to run as Camacho. Don’t know where he stands on shit but he can physically crush an opposing world leader and that seems like a start.
Andrew Callaghan. Just sit there an ask Trump simple questions with a vibe so chill he self destructs without any outside interference.
When he does press appearances, he responds to journalists questions with… questions of his own.
Woof, first dozen web search hits are about sexual misconduct. Maybe not.
Shit I was not aware of this. I’ve just seen his YouTube channel.
Walter Masterson makes similar content sometimes which I’ve been enjoying instead. His channel is a lot more opinionated overall though, and he makes better use of the political platform imo.
Yeah I do enjoy him but he’s definitely got a different vibe. Much more satirical.
He’d get the republikkklown votes.
Bring Orson Welles back from the dead
Don’t even. Just his dug-up skeleton.
Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or maybe Cyclops or Magneto if we’re allowed fictional characters. I think it would be funny
obligatory demolition man clip. https://invidious.perennialte.ch/watch?v=Awr2YhW3HEE
Haha nice
If we’re going fictional characters, then Havelock Vetinari from the Discworld novels.
Hell yes. All Vetinari would have to do is raise an eyebrow.
Trump would kill himself in a week. Vetinari wouldn’t even have to do anything except talk to his dog during the debate. Vetinari would even put through a request the the Assassins guild to make sure the price to beat was too high to have him assassinated. Just to make a point.
Oh hell yes. Barely know anything about him (just started reading Guards, Guards!) but yes.
You’re in for a treat, my friend. I hope you love the book.
I’m loving it so far!
I’ll remind you that the “Allow For Arnie” campaign was a real thing.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equal_Opportunity_to_Govern_Amendment
Oh wow. TIL
I could see trump being anti mutant
Yeah
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
2003’s Allow for Arnie movement: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equal_Opportunity_to_Govern_Amendment
The monkey’s paw curls, and President Ted Cruz is inaugurated
Ted Cruz is a natural born citizen. He was born in Canada but his mother was an American citizen who met residency requirements to pass citizenship to him so he was a US citizen at birth.
I find it hard to believe he was naturally born.
What about the 61st amendment?
That wasn’t a requirment of the hypothetical fun internet situation.
John Stewart
I’m not even sure if this one is silly as much as it is serious. Too bad Stewart would never want the job!
Not wanting the job is a good thing. That’s how it should be…
I don’t care if he doesn’t want the job
I think Biden has done great stuff (domestically 🙁) and I would expect good policies from him and obviously a dead plant would be a better president than Trump, but his debate performance is kinda hard to put a good spin on
And therefore it is clear that what the world needs to see is a Jon Stewart vs Donald Trump debate
I would be so excited to vote for a Biden/Stewart ticket!!! Jon could continue to do Daily Show Mondays for now, and then take over when it’s time!
Like the emoluments clause matters any more. He can just collect his salary after he leaves office, as a treat.
Stewart/Colbert ticket would absolutely rock his orange ass off.
With Presidential Cabinet members Steve Carrell, John Oliver, Samantha Bee, Judge John Hodgman, Jordan Klepper and Lewis Fucking Black.
Lewis fucking Black as Secretary of Defense!
I like Lewis, but he might be a little too angry to be in charge of missiles.
I don’t think he’s angry enough. Cowboy Regan scared the shit out of everyone…Black would Make Everyone But America Shit Again (black trucker cap with MEBASA)
I’m not sure that more loose cannons is the solution to the number we have now. I suppose if he was on a tight leash they could always threaten people to smarten up or they won’t hold him back.
For many years I’ve wanted to see that. It would be absolutely unstoppable.
Jon Stewart for president with someone central to Biden’s cabinet who actually knows about politics and the stuff Biden was doing, as VP, to be able to give him on the job training on the actual politics part to match his sharpness level and his heart
I don’t know John Stewart, but Jon Stewart would be an interesting choice.
At this point I’d take either the superhero or the comedian
Fixed
Just Stewart.
It’s Vermin Supreme’s moment
Vermin Supreme, because every American deserves a pony
Conan O’brien
Conan O’Biden
Frank fucking Zappa… were he not dead. Even dead he’s a better choice.
